It. Was. F-ing. Cold.

For the past three years I’ve been an escort rider for the MS Blues Marathon and it’s usually a lot of fun.  This year, though, someone forgot to pay the heating bill.  When we picked up the runners at mile 9, it was about 20 degrees. I’ve never ridden my bike in 20 degree weather.  Hell, I have trouble riding it in 70 degree weather, but since I volunteered myself and a friend, I couldn’t back out.  Well, I could have, but my friend promised to repeatedly kick me in nads if I did and that’s really something I try and avoid. 

My hands and feet were numb before we even got on the bikes.  Our plan was to suit up at the pickup point and get warmed up before heading out.  This was partially successful since the “warmed up” part never happened.  Since it’s hard to dress while wearing gloves, my hands were exposed for the 30 minutes or so it took to get ready.  And they got so cold they were getting stiff…and not in a good way.  We had enough chemical hand and feet warmers to start a small fire, but the damn things wouldn’t fit in my gloves or shoes.  And I was out of time.

I’ll take a second here to mention something about marathoners…they’re nuts.  Why would you pay $90 to run in 20 degree weather for 26.2 miles?  If your answer doesn’t have the words “hoardes of loose, naked women” in it then stop, because I’m not interested.

My group was escorting the Top 3 Male runners and by mile 9, these guys were hoofing it.  We had to stomp on the pedals at first to get in front and from then on it was all pedaling.  At one point, I saw a guy run…and barf…and run some more…and barf some more…and run some more.  I gotta give that dude credit.  Barfing while still is a bitch so I can only imagine what barfing while in motion must feel like.

It was about this point that I realized I was slowly getting feeling back into my hands.  My guess is that my core was warming up so the body could afford to push some blood out to my hands.  My hands have since sworn total allegiance to my core and have promised to punch me in the nads should I ever think of doing this again.  Within about 10 minutes, the only part that was still cold were my toes.

In case you’re wondering, I was wearing neoprene leg warmers, tights, bib shorts, a long sleeve, wool/thermax shirt I use for hunting, a long sleeve cycling jersey, a cycling jacket, and a windproof vest provided by the marathon.  I had a Turtle Fur Shellaclava (this thing ROCKED!) under my helmet, two pairs of gloves, and a pair of wool socks and toe covers for my shoes. 

Now let’s skip ahead to mile 23 when I quit.  The previous miles consisted of a frozen water bottle, rock hard Clif Bloks, and Hammer Gel that I couldn’t reach.  Although I didn’t know how long I’d been riding, I did know that I could no longer feel the front half of both feet.  When I tried to wiggle my toes, I couldn’t tell if they were moving.  It was at this point that my brain said, “Fuck it, y’all.  We’re done.”  And true to it’s word, we were. 

I’ll be honest, Dear Reader, and admit that my feet have never, ever been that cold.  It was like pedaling blocks of ice.  All I could picture were red and black stumps that used to be toes rolling around in the ends of my socks. 

I was wise enough to stop at a portable toilet occupied by a Salvation Army Emergency Services worker who promised to send someone to pick me up.  The easy part was being picked up.  The hard part was explaining to my friend that I punked out 3 miles from the end.  She was a good sport about it and plans to use it to her advantage for a VERY LONG TIME.  I can’t argue with her…because she threatens to kick me in the nads.

For the record, it took until the next morning for my feet to feel completely normal again.

Got a new scale yesterday.

You did?  What did it say?

GET!  OFF!!

Well, Dear Reader, it’s that time of year when all good people make resolutions about weight-loss and working out and getting into shape and yours truly is one of them.  For me, it’s one of those “got to” things…blood work came back about two weeks ago and I have enough triglycerides for 3 people.  It was so high the Doc said they couldn’t measure the LDL (bad cholesterol).  He’s giving me 3 months to get it down or I have to go on cholesterol meds.  Already on blood pressure meds and I HATE taking medicine.    The other reason is that I’ve finally gotten sick of being fat.  When tying your shoes becomes uncomfortable, it’s time to do something about it.  When I was in Colorado, I got winded going up 16 stairs…SIXTEEN STAIRS.  That is just pathetic.

The thing that makes me mad is that 4 years ago I was in good shape or at least getting there.  It was April 2006 when I finally hit my goal of 185lbs…well, I was at 190, which was close enough for me.  Today…234…and that’s capital numbers in case you’re wondering.  It’s what happens when you quit working out but don’t stop eating.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading/research on diets and weight loss and have come to a very simple conclusion…no one knows what the hell they’re talking about.  On Yahoo, one article said “don’t eat potatoes and bread” and then a link to another article said, “It’s ok to eat potatoes and bread”.  No wonder people are so freaking confused.  The other thing I’ve noticed is that most diets (South Beach, Atkins, Fit for Life) tell you to eat foods that, quite honestly, I don’t like.  Why would I want to diet by eating foods I don’t like?  Can’t stand Splenda (can taste it in most foods), hate nuts, not fond of squash, cauliflower, and quite a few other things.  Anyway, my point is that most of these diets don’t work because I don’t like what I’m supposed to eat.

What I’ve decided to do is pretty simple.  I’m going to find foods I do like and eat those.  I’ll supplement them with other “good foods” while cutting out things like sweetened iced tea, soft drinks, and coffee (sugar in my coffee is a must).  I’m also going to concentrate on portion control.  I honestly think this is the key for me to lose weight.

It’s weird…I seem to have this mental thing about a) leaving food on my plate and b) thinking I’m going to be hungry.  I know where the first one comes from (my grandmother) but not sure about the second.  I’ve never had to go to bed hungry and have always had the ability to buy food if I wanted it (thank God) so I honestly have no idea where it comes from.  The third mental thing is I will wake up and think, “I’m going to stuff my face at lunch”…and usually do.  Again, no idea where that thought comes from, but it’s something that I have to control.

I’m already trying the portion control…half a can of Campbell’s Chunky soup instead of the whole can, less deli meat on sandwiches, etc.  Now all I have to do is get rid of the fudge, chocolate covered pretzels, brownies, and cookies that people gave me over the holidays.  I plan on taking them to work tomorrow…let those people get fat instead of me.

The other part of my plan is exercise.  I belong to a gym, have a stationary trainer for “The Greatest Bike Never Ridden”, and friends who will ride with me or go to the gym with me.  It’s just a matter of me getting off my ass to do these things.  I know the more I do it, the easier it’ll get, but getting started is the hardest part for me…if you want an excuse for anything, let me know because I’ve got a million of them.  I am extremely lucky that I have close friends that want to exercise with me and I am going to take them up on their offers.

For right now, the goal is 190 lbs.  Once there, I’ll decided if I want to go lower because even at 190, I’m still considered “overweight”.  I’m going to post my progress so I can keep a log of what’s going on and also to let others know what I’m doing. I honestly think, Dear Reader, that if people stop trying to diet and, instead, change their eating habits, they’d be happier and better off in the end.  Now it’s time to put that theory to the test.

Westward Ho

On the way to Colorado for Christmas. Should be there tonight by 7:00 local time. Looking forward to spending time with my bro, his family, and getting to see some friends.

Hope all of you have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. And expect more posts after the first of the year. The writing bug is coming back.

British Comedy

I’ve been sitting on the couch since Friday evening, hoping my annual cold/sinus crap would go away, but it’s not quite gone…although now the fun starts because I’m horking up all the colored bits.

The only things keeping me from going insane are Netflix Instant and British comedies.  I’ve watched the the first seasons of The Office, Little Britain, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, The IT Crowd, and part of one episode of Red Dwarf.  It’s all been very good and very funny…well…except for Red Dwarf.  Just not my cup of tea, if you will.

The greatest part is that it all plays nicely through the PS3 and I don’t have to mess with it.  It’s just “point, click, comedy”.

Bravo Netflix and PS3…and British comedies…

Updates

I guess you can tell from my lack of posts that I have nothing to say anymore…and the funny thing is, you’re right.  Things I used to write about now seem whiny.  I just deleted a multi-paragraph post about my douche of a boss because it was, well, whiny.  It all comes down to the fact that the guy is a turd, he’ll always be a turd, and no matter what I write, his turdness will still exist.

Had some layoffs occur last week.  First time in 60 years that my company has done that.  Those laid off did get a decent severance package from what I’ve heard, but still…layoffs.  And yours truly has fuck all in the bank for savings.  I had money, but a new roof and a retaining wall kinda sucked it all away.  The frustrating part is that “Senior Management” isn’t saying dick about it.  I don’t expect them to give me chapter and verse, but at least squash the rampant rumors.  And that’s another thing, if you work for a senior exec and you’ve “heard things”…shut the fuck up about it.  Don’t be telling people that you’ll be one of the last to go when they shut this place down because people don’t want to hear that shit.  They automatically think you know the company is closing when in reality you don’t know shit, so SHUT UP.

Let’s see, what else?  Oh…my Mom went to a Bat Mitzvah last week in New York and when I asked her about it, all she talked about was the food.  For the non-Jews out there, a Bat Mitzvah (or Bar Mitzvah for boys) is the Jewish “coming of age” ceremony and is only slightly less important than a wedding.  And if that’s not true, I blame it on the fact that I didn’t learn anything in Hebrew school because I kept getting kicked out…you don’t endear yourself to the Rabbi when you ask, “What do the Jews think about Jesus?”.  Anyway,  when Mom told me about staying at a brand new Hilton, her only comment was they charged $6.95 for the continental breakfast and $12.95 for a regular breakfast. Seriously…I had to specifically ask about the ceremony, although I didn’t really care about it.  I was just sick of talking about the food.  I guess that’s what happens when you’re old and Jewish, you talk about food.   Or your bowels, which thankfully, we didn’t get into.

The dogs are fine, in case you’re wondering, just getting older.  I see Trey’s front leg shake from time to time like it’s tired and that worries me.  He’s as sweetly irritating as ever, but I know one leg can only last so long.  Fancy is still her same shadowy self.  I call her my ‘white shadow’ because she follows me everywhere I go.  On a side note, I don’t think dogs have a concept of ‘up’. When I let them in after work, I’ll stand behind the back door so they can’t see me.  When they come rushing in looking for me they’ll go halfway in, stop, turn around, go out, come back in, stop, turn around, go back out.  I can see the “Where in the crap is he?” look on their faces, which is pretty funny. If they’d just look up, they’d see me through the glass.  Therefore, dogs must not have a concept of ‘up’.

Oh, nice…thunder…in December.  For those of you who’ve never lived in the South, thunder in December usually means tornados.  Yesterday it was in the 40’s, today it’s in the 60’s with a cold front coming in.  Warm air plus cold air equals tornado.

Guess I better sign off and go grab a flashlight.  Sleep tight, Dear Reader.

He done swelled up

Had to take Trey to the vet this morning. Woke up yesterday and the poor guy’s muzzle and cheeks were swollen. It looked like he was on the losing end of a fight. The vet said to give him Benedryl and that got rid of it.

This morning, though, the white part of his right eye was swollen. Not sure if he scratched it while scratching his face or if its part of the swelling from yesterday. Anxiously waiting for an update.

Not sure how people will react if they see me with a three-legged, one-eyed dog.

UPDATE:  (Thanks for asking Dave!)  Trey is doing well.  The vet gave me some antibiotic drops and she gave Trey two shots in the ass.  I thought I came out on the good side of this until I got the bill.  We also had to up the dosage on his thyroid meds…he must be doing better since  he’s back to his normal pain in the ass, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Babies everywhere

I have two pairs of friends, one set in Scotland and one set in New York City. Each gave birth to a baby boy on the same day around the same time.

Since I’m the link between the two, any way I can take credit for this?

A little sports humor

What is the difference between Brett Favre and the Ole Miss Rebels?

Brett Favre is still number 4!

A menagerie of Motherfuc*ers

IM conversation today:

Co-worker: I absolutely hate that motherfuc*er!

Me: Which motherfuc*er?    We have several to chose from.

A goodie bag from the doctor

Went for my annual physical today…if every four years is considered annual.  I’m lucky in that I don’t get sick often.  An occasional sinus infection or a cold, but that’s it.

When I left today, I had a nice little bag of blood pressure meds and an appointment one month from now to check it again.  Sigh…I get my cholesterol numbers tomorrow.  Anyone want to take a bet on the outcome?  The over/under is 50 point.