Out of Pocket

Well, friends, it seems I’m going to be out of pocket for the rest of the week. I’m writing this from my Mom’s kitchen table in Florida. Seems she broke her ankle in two places when she slipped on some ice last week and yours truly is here acting as “the good son”.

Now, before you write to tell me how good I am, you must understand that I would rather be anywhere but here. You see, my Mom has either chronic depression, agoraphobia, or a bit of both. She can go two weeks without leaving her apartment. I’m not sure what it is going to take to motivate her, but I am trying.

I came down Saturday with every intention of moving her back to Mississippi to live near me. After spending a day or two here, I realized that that would do nothing but deepen the depression because it would put her in an unfamiliar situation in an unfamiliar town. We have talked about this for the past several days and have agreed that she has one year to get her shit together and if she can do that, she can stay here. The retirement village that she lives in has so many things for her to do, plus it includes a theater, synagogue, pool, health club, and tons of other people to interact with. Mississippi has me.

I will do what I can to help her, but the ultimate responsibility lies with her. I’m trying to arrange someone to be with her part time for the next several weeks to get a jump start getting her healthy, but I don’t know if that will be enough. I don’t know what else to do.

This is honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. And I’m doing it alone. My brother could not come down from Colorado for various reasons, the least of which is his being out of work with two kids. I know he is under a lot of pressure, but this is killing me. My stomach has been in a knot since last Thursday and will probably continue to be that way until I go home Saturday. Mom and I made the deal ourselves and I will tell him if/when he calls. Part of me is furious at being left alone and the other part is glad he isn’t here since they tend to clash.

I never wanted to be a parent. I know my limitations and for those reasons alone I didn’t want a kid. I think I have one now, though. And I’m scared, folks.

If there is an upside to this story, it’s that I think I finally realized that I made a mistake in getting divorced. I spent last Thursday and Friday with my spouse and am missing her very much right now. She is the calm in this storm and it’s taken something like this to realize my mistake. We’ve talked about it a bit, but have not gone into detail. The only thing I do know is that she has not said “no”. For that, I am extremely thankful.

The other upside is that I’m also rediscovering God. No, I’m not thumping a bible or anything like that, but I have been doing a lot of praying. I need something to believe in right now. I’ve literally felt lost these last few months (even before the situation with Mom). I had started a bible study with a friend just a few days before her accident. I’ve prayed for strength to get through this and to do the right thing. I just hope He’s listening.

I’ll be home on Saturday and will try and update you then.

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Royally screwed

Just call me Prince Charles because I have royally screwed two servers…that happen to be very important…and I can’t figure out why. Oh what a day to be me.

3leggeddog design team

I just realized I was remiss in not thanking a special someone who helped me get 3leggeddog looking like it does.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my great pleasure to introduce to you the designer of 3leggeddog and its awesome banner. She is a woman of immense style, substance, wit, charm, and a whiz at cupcake design. Her exploits have titillated blog readers for over a year and I am proud to call her a friend.

Without further ado, I give you Smitten.

And a diet coke…

You know, you here people make fun of this all the time. It’s the one where the guy orders two large pizzas (for himself) and a Diet Coke. I’m sure you’ve heard all the combinations and each ends in “…and a Diet Coke”. I never really belived the stories and chalked them up to urban legend. Until today.

My buddies and I are at the mall food court for lunch. Yeah, I know, but it’s cheap and quick. Anyway, I ordered the #1 combo at Wendy’s, which is a single cheeseburger, fries, and a Coke. And no, I didn’t Super Size it. Smartass. Then I hear it.

“Can I take your order?”
“Yeah, uh, I’d like the Number 3 combo.”
“Do you want that Super Sized?”
“Huh?”
“I said, ‘Do you want it Super Sized?'”
“Oh. Yeah. Thanks.”
“What drink?”
“Huh?”
“I said, ‘What. Would. You. Like. To. Drink.'” (followed by the silent, yet oh so effective “Dumbass!”
“Diet Coke.”

Bingo. At first, I wasn’t sure I actually witnessed what I witnessed. After reviewing the old internal instant replay, however, I confirmed it. I myth-busted my own urban legend: I witnessed a man order a triple cheeseburger (yes, a triple), super-sized fries, and a Diet Coke. Now I know how Columbus felt when he didn’t fall off the end of the Earth.

Work Tip #957

If you’re working on the VP of Operation’s new laptop and you happen to ride the elevator with him, it’s probably best if you don’t say the following:

“I’ll have everything installed on your new laptop by this afternoon. (2 second pause) I can’t guarantee any of it will work, but at least it’ll be installed.”