I happened to catch part of the Olympic Women’s Bicycle race yesterday morning and realized why I quit watching many years ago. The commentators suck. No, really. These guys were freaking awful. Imagine watching reruns of America’s Funniest Home Videos with Bob Saget while having your eyelids propped open with cinnamon-flavored toothpicks.
The race itself was good. These women were cruising and it was a pretty exciting race. I caught it with about two laps to go. There was a breakaway rider who started to get killed on the big climb…then the commentators started in. They were making up the worst analogies, “the peloton is like a big elastic band that’s going to snap back and eat up the breakaways”. Then they started referring to the racers as “The Heads of State” as in, “the heads of state are climbing that mountain like Hera climbing Olympus”. It only got worse. It’s as though these guys were trying to outdo the other.
“You know Todd, the magnanimous magnanimity of the temerity of the Heads of State is only outweighed by the petulance of the breakaway riders of Olympic proportion.”
“Hahaha, you got that right, Bill. It’s amazing the exuberant admiration I have for these two-wheeled chariot racers as they plunge downhill like Anna Nichole’s cleavage”.
“Right you are Todd. That Anna, whooboy, has she got a set of lungs on her…”
“Uh, Bill, you’re drifting. HOLY COWABUNGA! We’ve just had an accident. Oh, that’s gotta hurt. I imagine that’s how Achilles felt when he tore his, uh…when he tore a tendon.”
“Yeah, Todd, that Brad Pitt is one fine actor. If we watch the replay, you’ll notice how Anna Kirkamopilos was looking behind her and caught the wheel of the rider in front of her. It doesn’t look like the fall hurt her too bad, although the other 4 riders that rode over her might have caused some damage.”
“Right you are, Hippocrates, hahahah.”
You get the picture. However, I want like to add that you can watch an entire day’s worth of women’s beach volleyball and never hear a word the commentator says. Hmmm…