Olympic Commentators Suck

I happened to catch part of the Olympic Women’s Bicycle race yesterday morning and realized why I quit watching many years ago. The commentators suck. No, really. These guys were freaking awful. Imagine watching reruns of America’s Funniest Home Videos with Bob Saget while having your eyelids propped open with cinnamon-flavored toothpicks.

The race itself was good. These women were cruising and it was a pretty exciting race. I caught it with about two laps to go. There was a breakaway rider who started to get killed on the big climb…then the commentators started in. They were making up the worst analogies, “the peloton is like a big elastic band that’s going to snap back and eat up the breakaways”. Then they started referring to the racers as “The Heads of State” as in, “the heads of state are climbing that mountain like Hera climbing Olympus”. It only got worse. It’s as though these guys were trying to outdo the other.

“You know Todd, the magnanimous magnanimity of the temerity of the Heads of State is only outweighed by the petulance of the breakaway riders of Olympic proportion.”

“Hahaha, you got that right, Bill. It’s amazing the exuberant admiration I have for these two-wheeled chariot racers as they plunge downhill like Anna Nichole’s cleavage”.

“Right you are Todd. That Anna, whooboy, has she got a set of lungs on her…”

“Uh, Bill, you’re drifting. HOLY COWABUNGA! We’ve just had an accident. Oh, that’s gotta hurt. I imagine that’s how Achilles felt when he tore his, uh…when he tore a tendon.”

“Yeah, Todd, that Brad Pitt is one fine actor. If we watch the replay, you’ll notice how Anna Kirkamopilos was looking behind her and caught the wheel of the rider in front of her. It doesn’t look like the fall hurt her too bad, although the other 4 riders that rode over her might have caused some damage.”

“Right you are, Hippocrates, hahahah.”

You get the picture. However, I want like to add that you can watch an entire day’s worth of women’s beach volleyball and never hear a word the commentator says. Hmmm…

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5 comments on “Olympic Commentators Suck

  1. Matt says:

    Apparently tall women in bikinis need no explanation. Can’t say I saw the bike race, but I agree that the commentators absolutely must go.

  2. Maura says:

    Okay, that’s it, I wanna be a guy. This is the third “women’s beach volleyball” reference I’ve encountered about the Olympics today. And while I think that, for a straight woman, I have a pretty healthy appreciation for athletic babes in bikinis — and very little objection to their being ogled in my presence — clearly this is a guy thing because I haven’t heard any women going on about the men’s beach volleyball athletes, buff and hot as many of them are.

    So somebody pass me a pair of boxer-briefs, a bottle of beer, and the remote and let’s watch us some girl-on-girl-in-the-sand action! 🙂

  3. Howard says:

    Boxer-briefs: Check
    Beer: Check
    Girl-on-girl-in-the-sand-action: Check
    Remote: Um. No.

  4. RP says:

    I live for the mute button. Actually, my favorite thing is to watch my baseball games with the Spanish commentators. Why? I can’t understand anything they say so I can tune them out as noise and still hear the roar of the crowd and the crack of the bat. It’s perfect.

  5. Women’s beach volley-ball rocks my world. I might add that Maura is pretty damn awesome.

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