The Vandal has struck again. Over the weekend, someone came in and cut off all but about 6 or 8 plant leaves. The plant looks really bad.
This place has become like a country under seige. The security guards are frisking everyone and confiscating all sharp objects. We’ve had to turn in our pencil sharpeners, letter openers, and staple pullers. These can be used to remove the leave from the stem and they’re taking no chances whatsoever.
There’s a rumor going around that they’re going to start random chlorophyl tests. With my luck, I’m going to get busted.
Management: “Howard, you tested positive for chlorophyl this morning.”
Me: “It’s not mine. I don’t do that stuff.”
Management: “Well, your tests came back positive. This doesn’t look good.”
Me: “It was lettuce. I put lettuce on my sandwich and must have forgotten to wash my hands.”
Management: “What about the knife in your desk drawer? We confiscated it and it tested positive too.”
Me: “Uh. That’s the, um, knife, I, um, used to cut the sandwich. It must have gotten some chlorophyl on it then.”
Management: “Sure. We believe you. Can you step outside for a minute, please?”
Me: “Heh, heh. Sure. I’m sure this is all just a big mistake. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go look for the real killers…uh, I mean vandals.”
Me: (dials phone) “Hello, Johnny C? Hey man, the test ain’t legit and I’m in deep shit. I need you right now so I can beat this some how.”
Johnny C: “Hold tighty, Whitey, I’m comin’ alrighty. I’ll befuddle those hicks and leave them holding their dicks. Don’t worry, cracker, I’ll mow ’em down like a weed whacker. Don’t be scared, white mouse, Johnny C is in da hizzouse!”