King of the Castle

On Friday, Dooce had another great post on “poop”. I don’t know how, but not only can she make poop interesting, she then has the ability to get over 500 comments from others about their poop. That’s FIVE HUNDRED comments on poop alone, people. 500 hundred.

Anyway, I digress. Dooce (I don’t know her well enough to call her Heather) then goes on to mention that according to a book someone sent her (yes, it’s about poop) that a normal human should be able to poop in under two minutes or six at the most. Of course, she then wonders how most, if not all, men can take over 30 minutes. Well, ladies, I’m here to tell you.


We take 30+ minutes for one, simple reason. Quiet time. Yes, that’s the secret to our marathon sitting sessions. Who in their right mind is going to bust in on us whilst we’re on our Porcelain Throne? We are truly Kings of our Castle when we place our posterior on that cool, comfortable seat. Why, ladies, where do you think the term “I’m on the throne” comes from?

Ladies, you know that for those thirty minutes we are not to be disturbed. If you attempt to disturb us, you’ll be met with one of the following:

I wouldn’t come in here without a haz mat suit on if I were you.
I’m peelin’ the wallpaper off the wall so I’d give it a few minutes.
Holy cow, I think I just gave birth to twins!
DO NOT STRIKE A MATCH OR YOU’LL BLOW US TO HELL AND BACK, WOMAN!!
Oh my God, a whole slice of pepperoni.

Now, chances are good that a) it doesn’t really stink, b) we’re not done with the sports page yet and need a few more minutes, c) we’re in the middle of a good chapter, or d) we’ve got the new Victoria’s Secret catalog…and need a few more minutes. Whatever the reason, a well-placed poop comment will get us that precious few moments we need.

Yes, it is true that there are women out there who will breach our defenses, but I guarantee they don’t do it often. We seem to have a sixth sense concerning break-ins and if you attempt to enter our Kingdom, we will make it so bad that you’ll end up running down the hall trying not to woof your cookies. “Wait, come back, Sweety, I want you to see how the corn is still whole!”.

In conclusion, I’m sure many of you are saying, “that’s the nastiest thing I’ve ever heard” and you know what? You’re absolutely right, it is. But hey, we’re men. It’s what we do.

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2 comments on “King of the Castle

  1. J says:

    and you say it with such utter hilarity.

  2. RP says:

    Amen, Brother Howard.

    Also, it can be the only place a man can get some reading done.

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