You know something? I don’t think I’m going to be good at this relationship stuff. I wasn’t good at it way back when and I find myself not being good at it now.
I fine myself attracted to people I can’t have either because of distance, or past experience, or being out of their league, or just being friends for a long time. I make bad choices when it comes to this stuff and sometimes try and force the issue, which only leads to me feeling empty and alone. I develop the crush, and then envision the romance, the need, the want, but I don’t take time to envision the obstacles. I figure you can overcome anything if you want to, but I know that it’s just not practical sometimes. You can’t sustain a relationship on email, phone calls, and occasional visits. I had someone very wise tell me that, and even though I didn’t really want to believe it, I knew it was true.
Another reason I won’t be good at this is, well…I don’t like the person who looks back at me in the mirror. He’s too fat, his face is too round, he’s too hairy, and yet he has no motivation to change any of it. Sure, he’ll get ready to change, but he just never follows through. And no, this is not new, but it’s gotten worse lately. There is a lot of planning, and buying, and wishing for change, but he just can’t find the proper change agent. High blood pressure, high cholesterol, several months of visits to chiropractors, and none of it seems to be a motivating factor. The face in the mirror swears he’s not going to end up like his Mother; alone, overweight, and depressed, but he’s sure not doing anything to change it. Until he learns to like himself, he can’t and doesn’t expect any else to like him.
I know this is not the kind of stuff you’ve come to expect at 3leggeddog, but this is the only place I can get it off my chest. This is my support system. I can say the things that are rolling around in my head, keeping me up at night. Sometimes feeling sorry for yourself feels really, really good. It’s when you start to like the feeling that things can get out of hand. Don’t worry, Dear Reader, I’m not going off the deep end any time soon. I’ve just had a tough week, caused someone I care about some pain, and now I’m handling it the way that I’ve come to enjoy. Writing it out. It’s cathartic and that’s just what I need. It’s gotten too damn expensive to drive around for hours listening to music so instead I fire up the browser and put words down for others to read. I’m not going to proofread this like I normally do. It’s become a stream of consciousness thing with Maroon 5 playing in the background and proofreading just seems wrong.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take my “feeling sorry for myself” cd, pop it into the truck’s cd player, and burn a tank of gas. Yeah, it’s been one of those weeks and writing alone ain’t gonna cut it.