The Coconut

I’ve written about 6 different entries for The Coconut and they all sucked. Let’s just say that the Coconut is that one person in your office that everyone hates, but Management won’t do anything about. She’s the causer of problems, the stirrer of shit, the finger pointer, blame layer, and all-around pain in the ass. We call her the Coconut because she’s got short, brown, thin hair that looks like the husk on a Coconut. Yeah, it’s cruel, but who gives a crap?

She’s always one step removed from the trouble that she starts. She puts her nose into everyone’s business, but gets pissy if you say something bad about her group. She does shit half-assed then blames others when it doesn’t work. If something goes wrong, the first thing she does is look to assign blame rather than to actually solve the problem. She is one of only two people in this world that I wouldn’t piss on if she was on fire.

She’s had more people quit than anyone in the company, yet they keep her around. We had one guy quit who didn’t even have another job. He just quit. When I complained about something she did to our department Vice President, his response was, “Well, I know what she’ll say. She’ll tell me it was a misunderstanding. She always says it’s a misunderstanding.” Huh?!? You mean people have complained enough that you know what her response will be? Geez, man, that’s some stellar management skills you have. FIRE! HER!

I cannot tell you how much I dread this trip to Chicago. Just the sound of her voice is enough to make me sick. It’s one of those syrupy-sweet, high-pitched voices that makes you want to shove red-hot pokers in your ears so you don’t have to listen anymore. Maybe I can get sick or something between now and then so I won’t have to go. Ugh. This is going to suck big, hairy donkey balls.

And, uh, oh yeah. I hired her.

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4 comments on “The Coconut

  1. Maura says:

    Oh, man. That last sentence sealed your fate. How come you hired her but you can’t fire her??

    May I suggest going to your local pharmacy and standing around the cold & cough aisle this weekend? That should net you something icky by the time you’re supposed to leave. 🙂

  2. deb says:

    Sounds like a cru-ush to me!

    [Ducks flying objects and runs from room.]

  3. Pixy Misa says:

    Oops on that last bit. 😉

  4. Chez says:

    I don’t really have anything insightful to contribute, but I know exactly where you are. We call our guy is DA – short for dumbass. My manager will go to her grave before she admits that she made a mistake by hiring him.

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