I just wanted to look nice

All I wanted was to look nice. That’s it. That’s not a lot to ask of anyone. Hell, anyone. That’s not a lot to ask of me. It was that simple. Look. Nice. But no, I couldn’t even pull that off.

The slacks seem too short. The collar on the shirt doesn’t look right. And the sleeves on the jacket still don’t seem right. Mix in a little low self-esteem and you know what you get? Me. Sitting in front of the computer having a pity party instead of going to the company Christmas party.

Fuck, people. I was really looking forward to it, too. I finally thought I’d look nice. It’s not so much that others would think it, but that I would think it. I wanted to look in the mirror and be proud of the person looking back at me. But it didn’t happen. So I did what I do best. I called and said I had “something come up” and I couldn’t make it. Said I couldn’t go into it right now, but we’d talk on Monday.

I didn’t tell them that the something that came up was I couldn’t stand the fat guy looking at me in the mirror. I didn’t tell them that the collar was fucked up or the sleeves were fucked up or the pants were fucked up. We’ve been through this before, Dear Reader, and nothing seems to change. I wish it would change, but wishing isn’t going to make it happen.

It’s not that hard, really. I just need to lose weight, but I can’t get motivated. Everything’s tomorrow. I’ll go to the grocery store and buy decent food. Tomorrow. I’ll hook up the bike to the stationary trainer and ride for a bit. Tomorrow. I’ll go back the gym and start working out. Tomorrow. You know the old saying, right? Tomorrow never comes. I don’t know if it’s depression, or self-pity, or laziness, or what. There’s just no motivation to change.

Well, that’s not true. There is motivation. There is a reason for me to change. But the reason is just a pipe dream. It’s a fantasy, really, but it’s all I seem to have at the moment. Maybe I can use that to get me off my ass and make a change. Once I get started, I’ll be ok. It’s the starting, though, that’s the hardest part.

Sorry for dumping on you, Dear Reader, but nowadays it seems that when things go bad (or good), you’re there for me to share it with. Thanks for listening.

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7 comments on “I just wanted to look nice

  1. RP says:

    I understand how you feel, Howard. I’ve been there. But it is no use hiding at home while your life passes you by. Don’t let it happen because you can never get that time back. So what if you’re fat? Get out there and enjoy yourself. And while you’re doing that, start dealing with your weight in small ways, ways that don’t feel as if they have to have huge consequences or require a hard committment. Start, maybe, by hooking up your bike today so that you can ride while catching some football on the tube. Just the first quarter even would be a good start.

    Also, I have some advice re diets but email if you want it. I’d hate to stick my nose in, etc.

    Best of luck, Howard! I’m pulling for you!

  2. SAJ says:

    wow. that post sucked me in. I don’t know you yet, but I’m sure I’ll stop by again. I just wanted to say that I’ve known a lot of fat guys and one of them I know has such a great personality I would never notice a fucked up collar. I would be so bummed he wasn’t at the party to make me laugh. Cause he always makes me laugh. I would be so sad to know he was not there because of the way he looked. I would wish I was single so I could give him a hug and maybe a sloppy kiss cause it’s personality that turns me on every time.

    maybe I better read a little more and make sure I’m not writing this to a skinny chick. though i think the main point would be the same.

  3. Kat says:

    Howard, you’re such a wonderful person and you’re putting yourself down for fucked up sleeves and a few extra pounds??? Don’t waste your life beating on yourself, because the world will readily do that for you. Get out there and make the most of what you’ve got 🙂

  4. Azalea says:

    Yo, dude, who cares about the collar, sleeves and so forth? Only the shallow, conceited and lifeless ones. I care about what I see in a man’s eyes and what I hear in his laughter.

  5. liz says:

    um, why not just buy new clothes?
    geesh, I can’t believe I just wrote that. I hate shopping.

  6. Howard,

    Once you start exercising it gets easier. Just get started and you’ll have more energy feel less depressed and all that shit. Hell, it’s not even about losing weight, just being active will make you feel better.

  7. I’ve been popping by every once in a while to your site, mostly because I love geekery, and your geekery is better written than most.

    So I’ll tell you a secret: two weeks ago, I was supposed to go to my friends’ housewarming. Two of my best friends, who finally moved to ny and are now living together. Seven o’clock found me crying on my bed, wishing I could get under it, but thinking I was probably too fat. It’s not something I write about, because, well, I like to imagine people in the blogosphere read me without thinking that I am fat or thin, but I wanted to let you know that this sort of thing happens to a lot of people.

    I’ve got lots of tips and techniques and exercise outfits and regimes and recipes and diet pills and…all of these tools work. They don’t work if you don’t use them. I often forget to use them. You just have to decide, why? What is the purpose, and is it important, more important than being able to forget that you need to watch your weight? Which is just another way of saying motivation, the determination not to forget the new habits you want to instil in yourself and not to fade back into the comfortable obscurity of ordering Chinese take out in front of the t.v.

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