Harassment my ass!

My company just emailed our new policy on workplace harassment. As I read through the definitions of what is considered harassment, the thing that kept popping into my head was, “Did it”.

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Clean sheets

You know, sometimes there is nothing I like more than crawling into bed between fresh, clean sheets. It’s got to be my favorite day of the month.

SHJGTOWP seeks…

I had to go and I had to go now. I’d waited as long as I could and it was time. I flung open the door to the men’s room, only to discover that someone is in one of the two stalls. Decision time. Do I break the Sacred Tradition of Men and take the empty stall? Do I proceed to my safe haven? Do I shit all over myself? I had no choice. I broke tradition and took the other stall. Fortunately, I recognized the shoes of the current occupant as none other than my old pal, MB. Good fortune had smiled on me.

Normally, I’m not a stall talker. If someone happens to sit down next to me, I don’t talk to him. It’s just too weird. I may say something like, “Sorry about that, dude. Must have been the Taco Bell I had for lunch”, but for the most part, I’m quiet. It’s just one of those things that you don’t do, like picking your nose in public. But we all know that sometimes, you just gotta pick…and this was one of those times.

Me: Hey, man, check this shit out. (inside joke…I knew MB would laugh)

MB: laughs. What is it?

Me: Someone left the classified ads from the paper. You need anything?

MB: Yeah, you to shut up.

Me: Ah now, don’t be that way. You know I would have gone somewhere else if I could.

MB: I know. Was it an “I gotta go, and I gotta go now” situation?

Me: Do I have any other kind?

MB: Heh. Probably not.

Me: Oh cool, the personal ads. Wanna hear ‘em?

MB: Sure, I got nothing else to do.

Me: Ok. First one. Couple seeks singles or other couples, 35 to 45, for fun and good times. Cool. Wonder if they’ll take Jews?

MB: Heh. Doubt it. You’re too hairy. Any others?

Me: Yeah, here’s a good one. WWM, 51, doesn’t look his age, seeks full-figured SWF for LTR.

MB: Do what? What in the hell is a WWM or a SWF?

Me: Oh. Sorry. Forgot you’re new at this. WWM is “widowed white male”, SWF is “single, white female” and LTR is “long term relationship”.

MB: Ah. He’s looking for a chubby chick to be his next wife.

Me: Bingo! Give that man a courtesy flush.

MB: All right, dude, I’m outta here. You’re killing me.

Me: Up yours. See ya!

MB gets up, walks to the sink and starts washing his hands. I read another classified to him.

Me: Hey, here’s another. Single white male seeks single white female for no-strings-attached fun and games.

Since I’m running my mouth, I fail to hear the door to the bathroom open. I keep talking to MB.

Me: Dude, this stuff is sad. I know! I’ll put one in. How about single, horny Jewish guy, tired of watching porn seeks…

On some primitive level, I know we’re no longer alone. Some lower spinal cord thing has kicked in and I sense new people in the bathroom. I notice a new pair of shoes in the stall next to mine. I hear another pair walk to the urinal on the far side of the stall. And I hear the very faint sound of MB laughing. Hard. Really hard. As he walks out.

Work Tip #54

Keeping your Manager informed of a potential problem involving a Senior Vice President is good. Replying to his question of “What was his mood like?” with “If he was happy, I wouldn’t need to give you a heads up.” is not good. Subtle humor is sometimes lost on those at a managerial level.

Work Tip #50

When walking along Executive Row, it is recommended that one use their inside voice at all times. That way, when you blurt out, “Golly gee, you sure do have a lot of plants up here” the powers-that-be do not spin their heads around a la Linda Blair and give you the stink eye.

I’ve got a what, where?

I swear, Officer, it was there when I woke up this morning.

And in case you’re wondering, no, this is not my car.

UPDATE: C had a great idea. If you’d like, leave a caption. No, you won’t win anything, but you will show us how funny you are. 🙂

Equipment for morons

The one part of my job that I dislike is ordering high-powered hardware for people with low-powered brains. Dropping several thousand dollars on notebooks for dumbasses is not my idea of “keeping expenses in check”. It’s crap like this that just chaps my ass. Why not just put “will allow me to play the latest kickass games when I travel” as the justification? We all know that’s what you’re going to do with it. Well, all of us except the higher-ups who approve stuff like this. I guess the trick is to drop a couple of buzz words such as “security audit” and “enterprise safety issues” to get what you want.

People just piss me off.