Did your heart ever hurt so bad that your hands tingled? Has the back of your head ever felt so tight that you thought the skin was going to split right down the center? I feel that way right now. I sit here and stare at the computer screen…no thoughts at all go through my head. I’m numb. It may be an overreaction, but I don’t know.
Ever since I can remember, I associate arguments with divorce, break ups, or going your own way. I think it’s some subconscious thing from when my parents used to fight. I don’t remember any of the actual arguements, I just remember the feelings they cause. I quit seeing my Dad for several months because the bickering between he and my Stepmom used to make me sick. Deep down, I knew it wasn’t going to lead to anything, but the surface of it would eat a whole in my belly.
Someone I’m close to got hurt and it’s my fault. I never intended for it to happen…it just did…and I don’t know what to do about it. “I’m sorry” seems so fucking lame that I can’t get it out of my mouth. Anything else I think of sticks in my throat. I don’t have the words to express how badly I feel…I can’t begin to explain how much it hurts to know this person feels the way they do. I may be overreacting, but I can’t help it. I feel responsible and no matter what they say, I can’t change the way I feel. I have to deal with it my own way and get past it.
A close friend asked me if I cry. Being a man, you want to say, “Fuck no, crying is for pussies.” I told the truth…I said yes…and that’s how I feel right now.
I’m going to drive. It’s how I deal with it…I drive till I feel better. I think it’s going to be a long drive.