I posted the other day about how I thought something was wrong with me, not physically, but something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I ended up deleting it because it was crap. I know what’s bothering me, I guess I just didn’t want to admit it. I’m lonely. I think it’s that simple, really. I always said that I didn’t mind being alone, I just didn’t want to be lonely. Well…I think I’m there.
Sure, I have friends, but they’re married and have families of their own to deal with. Fortunately, I have a very good friend who lives not too far from me and they invite me for dinner quite often, which I really enjoy. Unfortunately, I can’t spend all my time there and I don’t want to, either. I’m not much of a ‘bar person’ so I usually end up going home and doing something on my own. So most nights after work I come home, eat dinner, and read or watch a movie or a little tv. That’s not a great way to meet people, I know, but I’m not sure how to go about it.
I guess the holidays brought this on, but I really don’t know. Maybe after almost 3 years on my own, I’ve finally gotten to the point where being alone most of the time is hard. I’m taking the week off this week and I’m not looking forward to it. Well, that’s not true. Part of me is, but the other part keeps reminding me that for most of the day every day, it’ll just be me.
I used to love being by myself, but maybe the novelty of it is wearing off. I don’t mean to whine to you, Dear Reader, but there’s not many people I can share this with. I find it quite easy to help others deal with their problems, but I have a hard time opening up about my own. I know I’ve mentioned this before, but growing up, I was the family shrink and listened to everyone else’s problems. I just never got to share mine with anyone and I’m still like that. Don’t misunderstand, Dear Reader, I truly enjoy helping others and I take great pride in the fact that people trust me enough to tell me what’s going on in their lives. Listening to them has never been a burden to me and I like to think that I help in my own special way. In other words, if you and I have spoken about things going on in your life, please don’t think I’m telling you to stop, because I’m not.
I try and put up a strong front, but sometimes I just want to tell someone how I feel and have them listen. The hard part is that I don’t want to burden others with my complaints. People have their own problems to deal with and I just don’t feel comfortable adding mine to theirs. I think that’s part of what got me interested in going to church. It’s having someone to listen to me whenever I care to speak to them.