Open mouth, insert entire body

Not sure if you know this, Dear Reader, but I do side work for a few customers in the area. One is a local doctor’s office that I picked up through a co-worker since his wife is the office manager.

I was supposed to go to their office this past Monday to help them with a server issue. The wife calls me mid-afternoon and sounds horrible. She’s home sick with a fever so she’ll have to postpone. No problem, I tell her, just let me know.

Since I hadn’t heard from her, I thought, “What the hell, I’ll ask her husband how she’s doing”. I walk up to his cube:

Me: “Hey, B called me on Monday and said she was sick. Is she feeling any better?”

Him: stares at me.

Me: “She sounded awful. Does she have the flu?”

Him: staring at me

Me: stares at him in return

Him: keeps staring

Me: Thinks to myself, “You know, he hasn’t blinked in like two minutes”.

Him: still doesn’t blink

Me: “Um.” I can’t stand silence and that seemed like the most noncommittal thing to say.

Him: “I guess you don’t know.”

Me: “Um.” Hell, it worked the first time.

Him: “B walked out on me in August after 35 years of marriage.”

Me: “Um.” That’s the last thing the brain said before it got up and left.

Me: “Um…uh. Um. Um. Whu….Um. Uh.” See? I told you the brain left.

Me: “Oh…uh. I think I hear my phone. Be right back.” Well, what the fuck would you have done?

Yep, it’s true. His wife decided she didn’t want to be married anymore and no one bothered to tell me. That figures, though. I’m usually the guy who asks the fat chick if she’s pregnant, asks the widow how her husband’s doing, or asks the divorced guy if his wife’s still sick.

Remind me to tell you about the time I asked a different coworker about his wife during a group lunch with a vendor.

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3 comments on “Open mouth, insert entire body

  1. Caryn says:

    Cheer up. There’s no way you could have known. (Besides, it shows that you’re not a gossip.)

  2. RP says:

    Reminds me of John Cleese interview in which he said that Brits don’t ask personal questions like, how are the kids, because they fear the answer will be that the kids perished in a fire last week. Same concept. Your execution, however, was marginally better.

  3. Wicked H says:

    okay, consider yourself reminded…..

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