I am the baby’s Daddy

Howard K Stern, long time attorney and close friend of Anna Nicole Smith, admitted last night that he is the father of Anna Nicole’s daughter. Stern said he and Anna Nicole Smith had been living together in the Bahamas, and planned to stay in the island chain long term and marry “at some point.”

Stern also admitted to knowing the whereabouts of former Teamster’s president Jimmy Hoffa, how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, and when pressed, also admitted that he knew who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop. He declined, however, to take credit for inventing the internet, being the real Deep Throat, and for putting the dip in the dip da dip da dip.

A penis transplant

Chinese doctors say they successfully transplanted a penis on a man who lost his own in an accident, but had to remove it two weeks later because of psychological problems experienced by the man and his wife.

“Make it stop.”
“What?!?”
“That. It keeps looking at me funny.”
“What do you mean, looking at you funny?”
“The eye thingy…it winked at me.”
“WHAT?”
“The eye thingy. It winks at me when you’re not looking.”
“Honey, you’re seeing things. It doesn’t wink.”
“THERE! RIGHT THERE! SEE! It did it again! I’m going to sleep in the guest room!”
“Honey! WAIT!”

“Nice job, idiot.”
“Whaddya mean? I think she’s cute so I winked at her.”

Cycling update

Sorry folks, but all I have to talk about today is cycling. Rode 28 miles Tuesday at a 14.9 mph pace. We did the first 14 miles in 16.4, which was flying for us. I was tired, but also pretty happy with how I did.

Today we’re supposed to ride, but not sure how long. Tomorrow is going to be a big day. My riding coach and I are riding with two local DJ’s who have signed up for the MS150. From what I’ve been told, we’re doing 25 miles or so…starting at 7am. Sheesh. This is a training ride for them so we’re going to go really slow.

After we finish that ride, he and I are going to do another 25. Double Sheesh. I’ll admit that I’m nervous about doing 50 miles, but I’ll bring plenty of water and Fig Newtons. They helped me do the 42 miler the week before, so they should help this time. It’s a great ego boost to think I’ve already done over 160 miles in the last couple of weeks. In the past, it’s taken me months to get that many miles. Plus…um…it’s giving me some great looking legs. 🙂

That’s about all…Don’t forget to donate. I’m $50 away from my goal! If you’ve already given, THANK YOU!!

Good advice

Every once in a while my Pop gives me some good, sound advice.

We were talking about lots of different things and he said, “Kid, you’re always looking for a guarantee. And I hate to tell you, but there are none. You just go with what you’re given and if it goes shitty, you move on to the next thing.”

The only other advice he ever gave me was “Do what you think is right, but if it isn’t, be prepared to suffer the consequences”.

Yep, sometimes my Pop hits the bullseye.

Progress

When I first started riding in 2002, I did 3 mile loops in my neighborhood and 10 miles was a big deal. I bought a road bike the week after I rode 27 miles. 3 mile loops became 10 mile loops.

I thought riding 20 miles in a single ride was cool. Twenty miles became 30. Eventually, I rode a personal best 40 miles in the summer of ’03. That ride kicked my ass and I didn’t ride that far again until last Monday when I did 42 miles.

Why didn’t I ride that far again? Well…because it was too much effort. Everything hurt on that ride. My ass, my feet, my hands, and my pride. Part of that pain was my equipment…my shoes were really too small and the bike rode like a cement truck…but most of it was my completely out of shape self. Riding hurt so I didn’t do it. Now, though, it’s different. It’s fun…

These days, anything less than 30 miles feels like wasted effort, which is the wrong attitude. Charlie and I rode a little over 31 miles on Saturday at an average speed of 14.9 mph. We rode the 42 miles at a 13.2 average. Charlie is teaching me that shorter distances are ok, just do it quicker to help build endurance. Like he says, once you get used to doing 30, 40 isn’t that bad.

I guess what I’m trying to share with you, Dear Reader, is that I’m slowly starting to really enjoy this cycling thing. I still think of ways of getting out of it, but I don’t follow through with them. I find myself wanting to ride, even if it’s just for an hour or so. And the amazing thing is that although the ride on Saturday hurt like hell for the first hour, the second hour or so was great because I didn’t quit. I didn’t hear the voice in my head saying, “you really suck at this”. I didn’t mind being the last of three riders because I knew I was doing the best I could. Once I got my wind back (and my saddle raised about 1/2″) I rode strong. It felt like I could just keep riding. That, friends, is an awesome feeling. That is progress.

Work Tip #53

When apologizing to your boss for letting a project go late, muttering the phrase “Well, looks like I screwed the pooch on this one, huh?” is not the same as saying “I’m sorry and it won’t happen again”.