I just killed a Black Widow Spider of Death on my back porch. ICK!! F*CK!! I HATE SPIDERS!!
It was hanging in the corner by the back door. I ran in the house hollerin’ “Puppies!! It’s a friggin’ Black Widow Death Spider on the porch!! MOVE! MOVE! MOVE! I yanked the kitchen cabinet open, grabbed some industrial strength bug killer and ran back outside, still hollerin’ “A BLACK WIDOW DEATH SPIDER!!”
I drenched that bitch in a fog of bug death…but nothing happened. She just hung there. Most bugs start to twitch violently when drenched in bug death, but not the Death Spider. She just hung there, lookin’ at me. I could sense her 8 gajillion bug eyes sizing me up. While her brain of death was gauging the distance to leap and sink her venemous spider fangs into my jugular, I spurted her some more hollerin’ “Take that Death Spider!”
She hung on, fighting the effects of the fog of bug death, but the fog was stronger. I stood there..and by “there” I mean 10 feet away…and watched her start to shrivel. “HA! HA!,” I yelled, “DIE DEATH SPIDER! You won’t get to sink your fangs into this jugular!” Slowly she unraveled more web, sliding down the wall, the poison working its way through her icky, black body of Death.
In the end, the Fog O’ Death was too much for the Black Widow Death Spider. As I poked her with a really long stick I’d found in the yard, she didn’t move. Was she truly dead or just playin’ possum, hoping I’d come closer so she could leap up and latch onto my neck. “No victims today, Death Spider,” I said as I squished her with my stick. “You’ve punctured your last jugular”.