Work Tip #8

When using the surround sound enable conference room, it is imperative that you mute the sounds on your laptop. It is doubly important to perform this action when using said conference room as your command center while working a Severity One Trouble Ticket.

Failure to follow these recommendations will result in the email notification of “WHOOOP! WHOOOP! Fart detected!” being broadcast on the aforementioned surround sound system immediately following your boss saying, “We’ve got to focus and get this resolved as quickly as possible.”

Advertisements

Get that kid a haircut

Conversation I just had with a neighbor I ran into at the bike shop:

Me: Hey, J, how you doing?

J: Not too bad. What about you?

Me: Can’t complain. Working my ass off, but that’s about it.

J: Same here. Did you see me wave this morning?

Me: Yeah, I saw you standing in the driveway next to your daughter.

J: Actually, that was my son.

Me: Oh.

This ain’t NASCAR

Listen…just because you have a NASCAR tag* (that’s license plate for those above the Mason Dixon line) doesn’t mean you’re a NASCAR driver. Nor does it mean that your minivan. truck, Volkswagen Beetle, or piece-of-crap 1976 Caprice Classic is an actual NASCAR race car. Therefore, quit trying to draft me, push me, cut me off, or pretend that you’re Dale Freakin’ Jr. This is just going to cause me to slow down and piss you off, which gives me great pleasure.

* – In Mississippi, you can buy a NASCAR-themed license plate. No…I’m not kidding.

Supremely confident

My niece’s 3rd birthday is Friday so I made my annual trip to Toys R Us to buy her gift. I usually ask for suggestions, but this year I thought I’d wing it. Bad move on my part.

Buying for my nephew is easy. If I see a toy and my brain says “COOL!” then I know he’d like it. I take this to mean that he’s either very mature for his age or I’ve got the attention span of a 6 yr old boy. I’m thinking it’s the latter. With my niece it’s different because I have zero experience with girl’s toys…well, there was that one time in college, but I’m not going to talk about that here.

Anyway…I wandered around the store for a good 30 or 40 minutes looking at stuff.

Mermaid DVD player? She’s got a better one.
Mermaid alarm clock? She can’t tell time.
Dora the Explorer van? She doesn’t speak Spanish.
Cabbage Patch life-like baby? Freaked me out.
Bratz dolls? Too nappy headed.
Easy-Bake Oven; Baby Stroller; Barbie Castle; no, no, and no

Finally I see something that looks cool. The Loving Family SUV. The lights come on, the doors open, the horn works, the radio plays songs. My brain said, “COOL!” so I grabbed it, along with the Loving Family Mom and Daughter, and headed to the register, supremely confident in my purchase.

As I started down the aisle, I noticed an older grandma-type lady and a cute little girl standing behind me. Even though I was supremely confident in my purchase, I figured I’d ask an expert.

“‘Scuse me, Ma’am, do you think this would be a good gift for a 3yr old girl?” The supremely confident part of my brain answered for her, “Of course! She’ll love it! You’re so thoughtful! What a great Uncle! Hey…you’re single, I see. Would you like to meet my daughter? She’s a doctor-super-model-double-jointed nympho…” OK…so the supremely confident part of my brain got carried away.

Instead of answering, the grandma-type lady turned to the cute little girl and said, “Sweetie, would you like to play with this?” Again, my supremely confident brain answered. “THAT IS THE GREATEST TOY EVER! I WANT ONE! PLEASE BUY ME ONE! THAT IS AWESOME! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!”.

The response I got, however, was not what I expected. The sweet little girl looked right at me and said, “Nooooooo!”. I’d rather not repeat my supremely confident brain’s response to that one.

Needless to say, the Loving Family SUV and Loving Family Mom and Daughter are on their way to Colorado regardless of what some snot-nosed little…uh…nevermind.

Searching for 3leggeddog

Is there a 3leggeddog convention going on or perhaps a new TV show with 3leggeddogs as the main attraction? Something is happening somewhere because when I checked Sitemeter this morning, there were about 15 or 20 hits from people searching for “threeleggeddog” or “three legged dog” or “dogs with three legs”.

If there’s a way to make money with these two, I’m all for it. Just drop me a comment or point me in the right direction. It’s about time these lazy bastards started earning their raw hides.

In other news, I’m going to attempt something never done before. I’m going to try and get a pic of a 3leggeddog wheelie. No, really. Trey can pop a wheelie. He’ll go from zero to sixty in about 3 seconds and with a front end that’s lighter than his back end, he pops a wheelie. He did it twice last night. Now if I can just get him to make that squealing tire noise when he does it.

The Peter Principle

Senior VP calls me pitchin’ a bitch because he can’t access the wireless network in his hotel. Blathers on about how “we” screwed up his connection, how it doesn’t work at home or anywhere else. Wants a total overhaul done on his laptop when he gets back.

I start to troubleshoot the problem.

Wireless card enabled. Check
Windows Firewall Off. Check
Wireless Device in room turned on. Check

After 5 minutes of asking questions, he gives me the make/model of the wireless device. I google it. Hmm…Interesting. Get him to give me make/model again. Google it again. Same result.

He can’t get to the wireless network in his hotel room is because there is no wireless connection in his hotel room.

Get him to plug in his network cable and BAM! Internet access.

That scent

I read a long time ago that scents are one of the most powerful triggers for memories. You walk along, smell something on the breeze, your brain processes it, and the next thing you know, you’re thinking about being at summer camp when you were 12. Pine oil triggers that specific memory every time. We’d wash the floor of our cabin with it once a week and every time I smell it, I think about camp.

I think about the sunshine, swimming in the lake, canoing on the Delaware River. I think about lying on my bunk, writing a post card home that always started with “Dear Mom, Bub, and Elke”…Elke was my dog. I think about how time seemed to stand still for that month I was away…and how I couldn’t wait to go back the next summer. And every time I think about it, it makes me smile.

I had a similar experience today, but the smell wasn’t pine oil; it was lime verbena. I took Trey to the vet and I think the vet tech was wearing it. I know someone was wearing it, because I can pick that scent out every time. It’s one of those scents that I can’t describe easily like pine, or cinammon, or hickory. It’s subtle, but the memories it brings are pretty powerful.

It brings back memories of someone who wore it, someone special, someone who taught me a lot about myself. This person taught me that I could do anything I put my mind to. That I could finish what I started. That I could be more than just who I was or who I am. This person helped me to get my shit together better than anyone before, and I will always be grateful for it. I may not have always shown it, but I am. This person taught me that you’ve got to take a chance ’cause if you don’t, life will pass you by.

Every time I think of her, I smell it…and every time I smell it, I think of her…and smile.