I’m ok, you’re ok.

I came to an interesting realization the other day and it made me laugh when I thought about it. I’m never going to be the tall, dark, and handsome man I presume women are looking for. That may appear like a negative statement, but it’s not really meant to be. I guess it’s just me finally realizing that the only thing I’ll ever be is…me.

I don’t know if a lot of people do this, but while driving or just hanging out, I find myself suddenly involved in these Walter Mitty-esque fantasies. Either I’m playing blues like Stevie Ray, or kicking ass like Jet Li, or any number of things. For some reason, I think this’ll make me a better person or more likable or personable. The real truth is that it’d make me nothing of the sort. I’d still be me, but more of an ass-kicking, blues playing me. But still just me.

I was talking to a friend the other day and he said something that got me thinking. We were talking about going out and meeting girls and just dating in general and he said, “We’ve got to build up your confidence” to which I replied something about it’s not so much confidence as not really liking who I am. He said, “Why? A lot of other people like you.” I didn’t know how to respond.

The truth is, I’ve never been comfortable as me whether it’s because I was never fond of the name “Howard” (sounded like an old person’s name to me), or of being Jewish, or of quite a few other things that I don’t like. And you’re right if you’re thinking that those are stupid things to worry about. I can almost guarantee you that people I meet never think, “Howard? Geez, that’s the name of an old guy” and I’ve never had any issues about Jewish or the myriad other things I think about. But they still hang out in the back of my head.

It’s also true that I am well-liked by a lot of people for various reasons. I’m sure there are some people out there that don’t like me, but they can kiss my ass. I have quite a few great friends and have no trouble meeting or talking to others…as long as I think there’s nothing going to come of it…or it’s kept on a strictly friendly basis.

Actually, that’s not really true. The big problem is letting someone know that I do like them. It’s getting rid of the “Why should they like me?” attitude and changing it to a “Why shouldn’t they like me?” attitude. I had someone tell me the other day, “I know looks aren’t the only thing and most of the time, the good-looking guys are jerks, so why can’t I find a nice guy?” I wanted to wave my arms and say, “Uh, hello??! Nice guy here!”.

The bottom line is that I’m slowly coming to the realization that the only thing wrong with me is my perception of myself. If I really think about it, I’m a pretty good guy…smart, funny, weird, loyal, respectful, etc. I just need to work on projecting that and quit worrying about what someone else thinks…or doesn’t think, for that matter.

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One comment on “I’m ok, you’re ok.

  1. Nikki says:

    You totally rock my face off, Howard. And ps, I never thought twice about you having an old-guy name, and I think the fact that you converted from Judaism is cool… in case you were wondering.

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