I can’t do it…

First, let me say I’ve never said “no” to anything I’ve ever been asked to do at work.  I may not have done it as quickly as they wanted, but it was always completed.  I’ve been to retiree’s houses, setup wireless access for personal use, worked on someone’s personal computer….let me pause here a minute and ask you a question…Have you, Dear Reader, ever brought your computer to your office, stopped by your favorite computer guy’s desk and said, “Hey, this thing has a virus on it, can you take a look at it?”  And if you have done this, have you also said to your accounting people, “Hey, I’m getting audited by the IRS, can you review the last 5 years of my income taxes?” or asked the legal guys to defend you in a lawsuit?  Chances are your answer is no…and if it is no, then why do you think we want to fix your personal computers?  And then get irritated when we say, “Sorry, I don’t work on personal machines.”

I’ll tell you how this’ll go…”Man, this one was a bitch.  Had to search all over google to find an answer, then it took me an hour to get it completly clean.  Had to delete some files to get it working, but they all related to the virus.  You should be good to go.”  A few days later, you’ll come up to me and ask me why you’re not getting any sound out of your computer, I’ll say I don’t know because it was working when I gave it back to you.  You’ll give me this “eat shit and die” look because I don’t automatically know what’s wrong with it and then expect me to fix it again because you think I somehow assed up your computer.  Here’s a suggestion for you…next time, take the computer to your local repair shop, pay them $90 just to look at it, another $90 to fix it and when you’re out $180 because you’re too stupid to realize that you plugged the fucking cable into the wrong fucking hole, you can then bend over and kiss my ass.

Anyway, back to my original topic…If there are any regular readers left, you’ll probably remember me telling you stories about our Disaster Recovery guy and how much of a giant pain in the ass he is.  Ah, you know what, that’s not really fair to the other pains in the asses everywhere…this guy would give THEM a pain in the ass.  If you’re unfamiliar, check the archives from June or July of 2008 and look for the seat assignment post.  It’s self explanatory.

As I was saying, I’ve never said no to anything that’s been asked of me…yes, I’ll bitch and moan and complain, but most of it is usually funny.  But this time, I think I’m going to have to say no.  You see, Dear Reader, the pain in the ass has asked me to provide him with quite a few reports from our backup system…total amount of data backed up daily, weekly, monthly, totals by backup policy, total failures, etc.  The thing is, our system doesn’t provide that to us.  I tried, and am still trying, to buy an add-on product that will do that with a few clicks of the button, but as it stands today, I can’t generate what he wants.  So, I did the next best thing.  I created one giant data file that has all of our successfull backups in it for one month…acutally, it’s just since the first of March because I don’t have data back to Feb 1, and then emailed it to him.  I explained that the reporting system is not granular enough to do what he asks, but he might be able to get what he wants from this file.

His response basically says that from what he sees in the file, I shoud be able to provide him with the report he’s requested in the project for you…and copies my supervisor and our manager on it (we work for the same manager).  Notice his uses of the word “you”.  He’s nicely pointing out that *I* can get the data from the reportd and he also kindly reminds me that the project is assigned to you.  Guess what, Dear Reader?  Yep…this pisses me off.

I respond and say that I’m sorry for the confusion, but this is it.  This is the only data that I can generate from the system.  It’s either an all or nothing kinda thing.  Trying to be polite and not stir up an argument, although what I really want to type is something completely different.  He responds and says that the data in this report can be summarized by taking the time to do so, but it can be done.  And that the summary is what he needs and that’s what the project is requesting.  Now, Dear Reader, if you thought I was pissed before, you must surely realize that now I’m ready to bite the heads off of babies.  Don’t ever presume to tell me that something can be done by “taking the time to do so”.  This is the same motherfucker who will stand in someone’s office for 2 hours talking about NOTHING and then have the balls to say he’s swamped with work.  The same dipshit who can take a simple inventory process and turn it into such a complicated pile of crap that it requires me to sign a blank report to certify that it is indeed blank!  (I didn’t just sign it, I had it notarized because I’m that big a prick.)  It is this same slimy, backhanded, “Senior Management has directed me to”, backwards ass moron who tells ME that something can be done if you just put your mind to it.  Well, dick head, I’ve got news for you…It’s not that I won’t do it…it’s that I can’t do it.

It pains me to say this, Dear Reader, but I honestly do not have the Excel or Access skills to complete this task.  I cannot take a 3,000+ line data file and manipulate it to get what he wants…and that, above all, is probably what’s making me the maddest.  And I had to admit that in my follow up email.  I told him the exact same thing above, that I don’t have the skill to do what he asks and it’s like driving a nail through my skull.  It’s KILLING me to have to admit, to him, that I can’t do it.    If this guy persists, the only course of action I can take is to open a project for our programmers and have them to do it.  It is honestly beyond me…and that sucks donkey balls.

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