A real match.com profile

If I could write it like I wanted to…

Single, overweight 44 year old seeks hottie 38 to 48…

I am a 15 year old boy trapped in the body of a 44 year old.  I laugh uncontrollably at farts and fart jokes.  The word ‘boobs’ makes me giggle…seeing boobs makes me giggle.  I like women that are attractive, dress well, like heels, and sex, but not necessarily in that order.  I’m incredibly shy one-on-one, but can make a roomful of people laugh if given a microphone.  Please don’t be overweight.  Yes, I know that I am, but apparently the rules in the universe allow overweight men to want women who are not…don’t blame me, I didn’t make them up, I just follow them. If you don’t like sex, please stop reading and move on to the next profile.  I’ve already been in one sexless marriage, which is probably why I’m still not in it.  Some of the things I’d like to try may freak you out, but if that’s true, you’ve probably not even made it this far in the profile.  If you have, “How YOU doin’?”.

If you like to cook, great, if you don’t, then you better like to clean up afterwards.  Just like Hannibel Lector, I believe in ‘quid pro quo’.  If you don’t know what that means, please stop reading because I will just end up confusing you by throwing things like this at you in a real conversation.  I’m very smart, have the IQ test to prove it, and will admit to being an intellectual snob.  I like a woman who is smart because conversation is hugely important.  If we can’t converse, we can’t talk about issues, problems, irritations, aggravations, and other things.  If we can’t talk about them then we can’t resolve them.   If we can’t resolve them, then we’re doomed from the start.  And just like English class, spelling does count.

My pets are my children.  I talk to them, kiss them goodnight, ask them how their day was, although I’m not insane enough to expect an answer.  They provide me unconditional love, I provide them with food, treats, and pig hides to chew on.  If relationships with people were this simple, divorce would never have been invented.  I plan vacations around the ability for someone to check in on them.  If they were self-sufficient, it wouldn’t be an issue.  You wouldn’t leave your kids on the backporch overnight with just a bowl of food and water so why would you expect me to do the same?  If your internal response is “but they’re just dogs”, you might as well stop now and move on.

Back to looks.  I prefer women that are shorter than me so they can wear heels.  Yes, I like a woman who wears heels.  Show me a guy who doesn’t and chances are he has heels of his own that he wears on special days.  Someone who dresses well, but can run the gamut from jeans to ball gowns. I haven’t been to a ball since college, but never say never.  If you like to shop for men’s clothes, bonus points will be awarded.  I think I have good taste in clothes, but sometimes putting it all together confuses me.  I guess I’d classify myself as “classic contemporary”.  Someone once told me that the official uniform for Southern men is khakis and polo shirts…if that’s true, then I’m a Southern Solider to the core.

I want to meet someone *I* find attractive.  I don’t care if others don’t because they’re not the ones that will hopefully be waking up to this person for the rest of their lives.  In case you’re wondering, I’m not a “man-ho”…shy and man-ho are mutually exclusive.  You’re either one or the other. I don’t date multiple women.  I have enough trouble finding one.

If you’ve read this far I’ve either made you laugh or made you mad.  For the record, this is as honest as I can be.  I’m tired of games, first dates, endless emails, and people who can’t understand that my hatred of country music is visceral.  As for me, I have a good job, am about a year from owing nothing but my mortgage, and understand that saving for retirement is important. If anything I’ve said has offended you, I apologize because that wasn’t my intent.  I’m simply laying it out as best I can so there’s no confusion further on down the line.  If I haven’t offended you and you’re intrigued, “How YOU doin’?”.