It’s been a while

Took me a minute to log in because I forgot the damn password.  That’s how long it’s been since I’ve been on here.  As I told a good friend, posts are still writing themselves in my head, I just never get them on here.  Turns out twitter is quicker, although it doesn’t always express everything I feel.  Plus, I’ve kinda missed writing.

Funny thing happened recently…my confidence came back.  Don’t know where it went or why it left, but it was sure as shit gone.  I think that’s why I had so much trouble the first few months at the new job.  Not only was I afraid to make a mistake, but I also didn’t trust my instincts…and instinct is what made me good at what I did.  A lot if times I didn’t really know what the problem was, but my instincts led me in a certain direction.  A lot of times it was wrong, but for the most part, it was usually dead on.  I think the assclown that I worked for at my old job is a big part of it.  It got to the point where it didn’t matter how or what we did, it was wrong.  And the sad fact is that is wasn’t wrong, he just wasn’t smart enough to see beyond his own paranoia.  All managers in IT, and I mean A L L, know something is going to die, it’s the nature of the environment.  And the good ones know how to handle it…and he wasn’t and still isn’t one of the good ones.

I knew the confidence had come back when shite would hit the fan and I didn’t panic.  At first I thought it was the meds, but then I realized that I now had answers to the problems, where in the past months, all I had was a blank whiteboard in my head.  What I mean is that I have to be able to visualize in my head what you’re talking about.  If I can’t, then I’m lost.  I distinctly remember a meeting at work when this occurred to me…we were talking about alternatives and I remember picturing nothing but white space in my head, because I couldn’t visualize the environment…and if couldn’t visualize it, I couldn’t talk about it.  That moment was an epiphany of sorts.  It made me understand that until I learned the environment, I wasn’t going to be able to do what they were paying me to do.  Long story short, the last time something died, I had a whiteboard full of stuff in my head for reference and I was able to sort it out.

The good news is that I’m not freaked every time something breaks and if it does, I have a handle on how to fix it.  The bad news is that stuff is still breaking. 🙂


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