My goal is @WarriorDash

A wise person once told me that the best way to accomplish something is to have a goal.  If you’re not goal oriented, this advice sucks. I think my response was, “my goal is to have a goal”.  Wasn’t really what they had in mind.  I’m just not goal oriented and never have been.  My brother is goal oriented.  He once told me he had several goals, married by 30, kids by 35…blahblahblah. There were others but I quit listening.  If you’re not goal oriented, hearing others talk about their goals is boring.

For me, goal setting is hard.  I get too caught up in the minutia of it.  Small or large goal?  One goal or multiple goals?  Are the goals measurable?  What happens when I hit that goal?  See what I mean?  Some examples; Taking guitar lessons, the teacher asked me what songs I wanted to play…f**k if I knew.  I just wanted to play guitar.  When working out, my trainer asked what goal I had in mind…getting buff and getting laid came to mind, but that’s probably not what she meant.  My financial guy asked me what my retirement goal was.  He just stared when I said, “to not die while living in a cardboard box”.  Sounded like a decent goal to me.

As I’ve tried to lose weight through the years, people have always told me to set a goal.  When I say “like what?”, a lot of them say, “you can run a 5K, or a half marathon, or even a full marathon!” and my response to them is simple…”why?”.  I’m not a runner and never have been.  Never saw the point to it.  People say running is awesome, but I’ve never seen a runner smile while running.  Never.  A grimace, yes; a smile, no.  For three years, I was an escort rider for the MS Blues Marathon and each time I guided the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place males.  None of them smiled.  Ever.  I’ve seen them run right next to traffic, I’ve seen them run in frigid temperatures, and I’ve even seen one guy throw up and run at the same time, but I’ve never seen one smile while running.  One time I took pictures of some friends running in their first 5K.  Not a smile in the entire group.  You can see why I thought running was like the dumbest idea ever…until yesterday, that is.  Yesterday, I saw people laughing, smiling, wearing bunny ears, and fuzzy viking helmets while they were running.  Yesterday, I saw my goal.  Yesterday, I saw Warrior Dash.

You see, Dear Reader, for the last two months I’ve been going to what I affectionately call “The Fat Doctor”.  The reason for going is simple, I’ve gotten too fat.  When I stepped on the scale at the doctor’s office I had topped out at 242, which is the heaviest I’ve ever been.  If you’re familiar with the Gabriel Iglesias weight scale, I’m somewhere between husky and fluffy.

After two months, I’m down 13 lbs and the Doc just cut the dosage for my blood pressure meds in half.  The weight loss is through a combination of medication (Phentermine) and changes to both what I eat and how much. I want to be at 190 or 195 in 6 months…(dude, I made a goal!) The problem is I still wasn’t motivated to exercise until I saw Warrior Dash.  Sure you’re running a 5k, but it’s not just running to get from point A to point B.  You’re running from the mud pit strung with barbed wire, then uphill to the rope climb, and then to the tire patch or the river crossing or whatever they put in front of you.  And then, just when you’re about to reach the finish, you get to jump over a fire.  Did you hear what I wrote?  You get to jump over fire!  On purpose!  With people yelling at you to JUMP OVER THE FIRE!  Whenever I think about it, my inner Beavis screams “Fiyuuure!” and we both giggle with excitement.  And not only am I doing it, but about 8 or 10 guys from work are doing it too, including my Manager and our Senior VP.  I didn’t think it was possible but I’m actually psyched to run.

I’m going to record the next 5 months worth of training on here so you can keep track of how it’s going…you know, if you’re interested.

Oh…one more thing.  If the Warrior Dash folks happen to stumble upon this post (and I hope they do), I’ll make y’all a deal.  If you promise to keep me motivated until the Mississippi event, I promise not to throw up all over your mud.  Deal?

Work Tip #4

When 3 months into a new job and in a meeting with a vendor and your entire team, do not say, “I need this training so I can get a new job” when you mean “I need this training so I can get a promotion”.

Dating advice from 3LD

As I was perusing match.com this morning, I stumbled across a profile that got me to thinking, “Women really don’t understand us”.  Now I’m sure that’s the cliche of all cliches, but I think it’s 100% true, so I thought I’d put this together to see if I could help out.  You can thank me later.

First and foremost, guys want to get laid.  Let me say that again for clarity, “Guys want to get laid”.  Ladies, go back and read those two sentences a few times, say them out loud, and then come back.  I’ll wait.

Good, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let me share something else with you…Guys want to get laid.  Sounds familiar, right?  That’s because, say it with me, “Guys want to get laid”.  It’s a fact of life and there’s nothing we can do about it.  You can blame God, Darwin, nature, nurture, random molecules banging together, small brains, or, as Robin Williams put it, “the fact that we have two heads, but only enough blood to power one at a time”.  Doesn’t matter which theory you subscribe to, the fact remains, “guys want to get laid”.

Now, that being said, it doesn’t mean that we expect sex on the first date, or the second, or maybe even the third.  But, after the third date, that is going to definitely be floating around in our head.  Rest assured it was there on the first and second, but most of us are realistic.  This brings me to my first bit of advice concerning pictures.  Ladies, if you don’t want to hear from guys wanting to hook up, knock boots, or married guys, then go easy on the tit pics.  Twenty-five pictures of you showing your cleavage are going to give guys certain ideas.  My fav are the “hold the cell camera from above, smile, and flash the boobs” pics.  To a guy, this means “she wants to have sex with me now and is showing me her cans to prove it”.  And yes, these guys use the word “cans”.  Second, bikini pics are nice, most of us appreciate them, but again, go easy on them.  Too many bikini pics says, “hey, she wants to get laid on the beach”.  Although I can’t comment directly on the ‘sand in the vajayjay’ issue, I have been told it hurts.  If you want a sore, sandy vajayjay, then by all means post more bikini pics.

Next is verbiage, or for those that don’t know that word, it means, “do not write shit about us having a tool and knowing how to use it”.  Yes, that was in one of the profiles I read.  It started out very nicely, telling about her being a nurse, and loving her family, and God, and blahblahblah, and the last sentence said, “Must have the proper equipment and know how to use it”.  Anyone care to guess what kind of responses she got?  If you write a profile that talks about how great you are, how great your kids are, how much you go to church, love to rescue animals, etc, if you end with something like that, the pervs are going to wet themselves when they read it. And they’re going to respond en masse…think of ‘en masse’ as you would ‘buttload’.  They’re interchangeable.

So, at this point I’ve shared three things…guys want to get laid, tit pics means you’re easy and want to get laid to, and saying the words ‘tool’ and ‘knows how to use it’ in the same sentence means you’re easy and you want to get laid.  In our next installment, I’ll share with you what I look for in a profile.

Wise words

Cleaning up my ‘office’ and found a letter my Bub (grandmother) wrote to me the summer of 1984.  I was working as a camp counselor and wasn’t really enjoying it.  This was also the summer before I went away to college.  Sage advice from a very sharp lady that I still think about several times a week.

“Do make the best of everything from now on because that’s how life is.  We don’t always do the things we want to.” 

As an 18 year old at the time, I’m sure I glossed over it and went to do whatever was next on the list for that day.  As a 45 year old, I find myself trying to share the same idea with several 18 year olds I know.  Problem is, they’re just interested in whatever’s next on the list…