As I was perusing match.com this morning, I stumbled across a profile that got me to thinking, “Women really don’t understand us”. Now I’m sure that’s the cliche of all cliches, but I think it’s 100% true, so I thought I’d put this together to see if I could help out. You can thank me later.
First and foremost, guys want to get laid. Let me say that again for clarity, “Guys want to get laid”. Ladies, go back and read those two sentences a few times, say them out loud, and then come back. I’ll wait.
Good, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let me share something else with you…Guys want to get laid. Sounds familiar, right? That’s because, say it with me, “Guys want to get laid”. It’s a fact of life and there’s nothing we can do about it. You can blame God, Darwin, nature, nurture, random molecules banging together, small brains, or, as Robin Williams put it, “the fact that we have two heads, but only enough blood to power one at a time”. Doesn’t matter which theory you subscribe to, the fact remains, “guys want to get laid”.
Now, that being said, it doesn’t mean that we expect sex on the first date, or the second, or maybe even the third. But, after the third date, that is going to definitely be floating around in our head. Rest assured it was there on the first and second, but most of us are realistic. This brings me to my first bit of advice concerning pictures. Ladies, if you don’t want to hear from guys wanting to hook up, knock boots, or married guys, then go easy on the tit pics. Twenty-five pictures of you showing your cleavage are going to give guys certain ideas. My fav are the “hold the cell camera from above, smile, and flash the boobs” pics. To a guy, this means “she wants to have sex with me now and is showing me her cans to prove it”. And yes, these guys use the word “cans”. Second, bikini pics are nice, most of us appreciate them, but again, go easy on them. Too many bikini pics says, “hey, she wants to get laid on the beach”. Although I can’t comment directly on the ‘sand in the vajayjay’ issue, I have been told it hurts. If you want a sore, sandy vajayjay, then by all means post more bikini pics.
Next is verbiage, or for those that don’t know that word, it means, “do not write shit about us having a tool and knowing how to use it”. Yes, that was in one of the profiles I read. It started out very nicely, telling about her being a nurse, and loving her family, and God, and blahblahblah, and the last sentence said, “Must have the proper equipment and know how to use it”. Anyone care to guess what kind of responses she got? If you write a profile that talks about how great you are, how great your kids are, how much you go to church, love to rescue animals, etc, if you end with something like that, the pervs are going to wet themselves when they read it. And they’re going to respond en masse…think of ‘en masse’ as you would ‘buttload’. They’re interchangeable.
So, at this point I’ve shared three things…guys want to get laid, tit pics means you’re easy and want to get laid to, and saying the words ‘tool’ and ‘knows how to use it’ in the same sentence means you’re easy and you want to get laid. In our next installment, I’ll share with you what I look for in a profile.