So long, and thanks for all the fish

Someone asked me the other day how my internet dating was going and my response was simple, “I quit”.  Believe me when I say I’ve been on all the major sites and in my opinion they all suck.  eHarmony tells you how they use their questionnaire, algorithms and 42 levels of compatibility to find the right person for you.  Instead of searching, they send your matches to you.  Match has you fill out a survey, list what you’re looking for, and then write about yourself.  They send you matches, but you can also search on your own. I’ll be honest with you, Dear Reader, I sincerely think both companies are completely and totally full of shit. They don’t match you on personality or your questionnaire, they simply troll your profile and work off any keywords they find. Want me to prove it?  Easy.  If you’re on either service, add the word “God” somewhere in your profile.  Add it as part of a sentence or just randomly add it in the middle of a paragraph.  Don’t make any other changes to it, but just that one.  I guarantee that the next set of matches you get will be all about Church, reading the Bible, worship, etc.  There is nothing wrong with that, except for the simple fact that both sites are full of shit about their matching methods.  Or, if you want to have some fun, add “I like to shave baby kittens and then duct tape their hair back on.  God wants me to do this.”  See what happens.

To be honest, the fact that they just troll your profile was a minor issue for me compared to the fact that people just don’t read what you write.  Or, they think, “oh, he’s not talking about me.  I’ll email him anyway”.  Case in point…first time I ever wrote a profile, I was pretty detailed.  I wrote quite a bit about what I was looking for and was pretty specific. No, I didn’t write things like “you should be a D cup, firm to no sag, and have no gag reflex”.  Sad thing is, I’ve been told other guys do write shit like that.  I wrote about what I liked, didn’t like, music, movies, etc.  I specifically wrote, “I do not like country music.  At all.  Hate to listen to it, talk about it, think about it, and will not even admit it exists”.  My expectations were that I wouldn’t hear from a country music fan.  Wrong. Got an email from “countrymusic1984”.  Guess what she loved to listen to, talk about, read about, talk about…talk about…talk about…?  My point is that I took the time to write specifics into my profile and some don’t have what I consider the common courtesy to a) read it and b) understand it.  If someone wrote, “I don’t like guys who own three legged dogs and drive trucks”, I sure as hell wouldn’t email them.  It’s just setting yourself up for failure.

The reason that bothers me is because I know how hard it is to put yourself out there, to essentially make a cold call and sell yourself as the product you want them to buy. It’s hard…I hate it…and the last thing I want is to ignore someone simply because they couldn’t comprehend what I was looking for.  Same thing happens with pictures.  I write, “If you don’t have a picture, please don’t email me.”  Guess what? I get emails and winks and “interests” from women with no pictures.  If you think I’m being shallow, think about it this way.  You get an email from someone, guy or girl, and their profile is interesting.  They write well, list what they want and don’t want, and simply have a good profile.  You email back and forth a couple of times.  They offer to send you a pic and you agree. And you’re not attracted to them.  Not saying they’re ugly, I’m just saying you’re not attracted to them.  Could be anything at all, but whatever it is, you do not like how they look.  Now what?  Do you respond?  If so, what do you say?  If you don’t respond, they’re going to assume it was because of the picture…which it was. Now flip it around and imagine it was you who sent the picture and never heard back.  Sucks, doesn’t it.

The last reason I quit was simple. I just got tired of it. I got tired of the unanswered emails, the emails I didn’t really want to answer, the emails that never led to a date, the emails that led to boring dates, and the emails that just quit coming for no apparent reason.  I got tired of the bullshit profiles where the girls promise to love you long time. And I got tired of being matched with people where the only thing we had in common was being human.

So, Dear Reader, I find myself in a quandary.  Do I head out to a bar to find someone even though I don’t really like bars?  Do I go to different churches and try and get in their single’s groups?  Somehow that just seems wrong.  Do I ask my friends if they know any beautiful girls with low self-esteem and a low tolerance for alcohol? Or do I succumb to the newest way to meet women…Facebook stalking.  Be sure to check back and see which way I go.



3 comments on “So long, and thanks for all the fish

  1. Dave says:

    I think the main problem with dating sites is there are about 50 guys to every woman, great news if your a woman but not so good for us guys!!

  2. DejahThoris says:

    I randomly chose your site from the Ace of Spades link list…in case you were wondering how I got here. If you want to meet a woman who you can relate to, then do the things that YOU love. I’m lucky to be married to my best friend, but we love doing a lot of the same things. We both love science and outdoor activities, we both love animals and rock-hounding, and exploring the world. I used to rescue huskies and worked with a lot of shelters. Can’t do that anymore, since we move around too much, but there are a LOT of women doing volunteer stuff. Volunteer at a local shelter, and you’ll meet a ton of women who you can actually get to know and befriend. I’m currently unemployed, but I do a lot of volunteer stuff with local groups, because I am trying to staying involved in science and have a purpose. There are a zillion different volunteer organizations, and no doubt you have a lot of talent and experience that would be incredibly helpful. Chicks dig dudes with soft hearts. Take you dog for lots of walks, and chicks will go out of their way to pet your dog.

    Random advice from a random stranger. Best of Luck!

  3. Bob Branham says:

    That “somehow that just doesn’t seem right” is an absolutely correct gut instinct. As a former church singles leader, my job was to run interference for the ladies who went there for ministry. The church singles group is first and foremost a ministry, not a dating program. Too bad anything with the word “singles” attached to it is assumed to mean “meet-up.” Marriages do happen through them but the first priority is to serve the special needs of singles. Usually, that means a safe place to open up and get feedback on their lifestyle choices. Sometimes that means getting help with their “honey-do” list since there isn’t a honey to do them. Sometimes it means helping them raise their teenagers. Too often, church singles groups are reduced to social clubs.

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