So long, and thanks for all the fish

Someone asked me the other day how my internet dating was going and my response was simple, “I quit”.  Believe me when I say I’ve been on all the major sites and in my opinion they all suck.  eHarmony tells you how they use their questionnaire, algorithms and 42 levels of compatibility to find the right person for you.  Instead of searching, they send your matches to you.  Match has you fill out a survey, list what you’re looking for, and then write about yourself.  They send you matches, but you can also search on your own. I’ll be honest with you, Dear Reader, I sincerely think both companies are completely and totally full of shit. They don’t match you on personality or your questionnaire, they simply troll your profile and work off any keywords they find. Want me to prove it?  Easy.  If you’re on either service, add the word “God” somewhere in your profile.  Add it as part of a sentence or just randomly add it in the middle of a paragraph.  Don’t make any other changes to it, but just that one.  I guarantee that the next set of matches you get will be all about Church, reading the Bible, worship, etc.  There is nothing wrong with that, except for the simple fact that both sites are full of shit about their matching methods.  Or, if you want to have some fun, add “I like to shave baby kittens and then duct tape their hair back on.  God wants me to do this.”  See what happens.

To be honest, the fact that they just troll your profile was a minor issue for me compared to the fact that people just don’t read what you write.  Or, they think, “oh, he’s not talking about me.  I’ll email him anyway”.  Case in point…first time I ever wrote a profile, I was pretty detailed.  I wrote quite a bit about what I was looking for and was pretty specific. No, I didn’t write things like “you should be a D cup, firm to no sag, and have no gag reflex”.  Sad thing is, I’ve been told other guys do write shit like that.  I wrote about what I liked, didn’t like, music, movies, etc.  I specifically wrote, “I do not like country music.  At all.  Hate to listen to it, talk about it, think about it, and will not even admit it exists”.  My expectations were that I wouldn’t hear from a country music fan.  Wrong. Got an email from “countrymusic1984”.  Guess what she loved to listen to, talk about, read about, talk about…talk about…talk about…?  My point is that I took the time to write specifics into my profile and some don’t have what I consider the common courtesy to a) read it and b) understand it.  If someone wrote, “I don’t like guys who own three legged dogs and drive trucks”, I sure as hell wouldn’t email them.  It’s just setting yourself up for failure.

The reason that bothers me is because I know how hard it is to put yourself out there, to essentially make a cold call and sell yourself as the product you want them to buy. It’s hard…I hate it…and the last thing I want is to ignore someone simply because they couldn’t comprehend what I was looking for.  Same thing happens with pictures.  I write, “If you don’t have a picture, please don’t email me.”  Guess what? I get emails and winks and “interests” from women with no pictures.  If you think I’m being shallow, think about it this way.  You get an email from someone, guy or girl, and their profile is interesting.  They write well, list what they want and don’t want, and simply have a good profile.  You email back and forth a couple of times.  They offer to send you a pic and you agree. And you’re not attracted to them.  Not saying they’re ugly, I’m just saying you’re not attracted to them.  Could be anything at all, but whatever it is, you do not like how they look.  Now what?  Do you respond?  If so, what do you say?  If you don’t respond, they’re going to assume it was because of the picture…which it was. Now flip it around and imagine it was you who sent the picture and never heard back.  Sucks, doesn’t it.

The last reason I quit was simple. I just got tired of it. I got tired of the unanswered emails, the emails I didn’t really want to answer, the emails that never led to a date, the emails that led to boring dates, and the emails that just quit coming for no apparent reason.  I got tired of the bullshit profiles where the girls promise to love you long time. And I got tired of being matched with people where the only thing we had in common was being human.

So, Dear Reader, I find myself in a quandary.  Do I head out to a bar to find someone even though I don’t really like bars?  Do I go to different churches and try and get in their single’s groups?  Somehow that just seems wrong.  Do I ask my friends if they know any beautiful girls with low self-esteem and a low tolerance for alcohol? Or do I succumb to the newest way to meet women…Facebook stalking.  Be sure to check back and see which way I go.

 

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Dating advice from 3LD

As I was perusing match.com this morning, I stumbled across a profile that got me to thinking, “Women really don’t understand us”.  Now I’m sure that’s the cliche of all cliches, but I think it’s 100% true, so I thought I’d put this together to see if I could help out.  You can thank me later.

First and foremost, guys want to get laid.  Let me say that again for clarity, “Guys want to get laid”.  Ladies, go back and read those two sentences a few times, say them out loud, and then come back.  I’ll wait.

Good, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let me share something else with you…Guys want to get laid.  Sounds familiar, right?  That’s because, say it with me, “Guys want to get laid”.  It’s a fact of life and there’s nothing we can do about it.  You can blame God, Darwin, nature, nurture, random molecules banging together, small brains, or, as Robin Williams put it, “the fact that we have two heads, but only enough blood to power one at a time”.  Doesn’t matter which theory you subscribe to, the fact remains, “guys want to get laid”.

Now, that being said, it doesn’t mean that we expect sex on the first date, or the second, or maybe even the third.  But, after the third date, that is going to definitely be floating around in our head.  Rest assured it was there on the first and second, but most of us are realistic.  This brings me to my first bit of advice concerning pictures.  Ladies, if you don’t want to hear from guys wanting to hook up, knock boots, or married guys, then go easy on the tit pics.  Twenty-five pictures of you showing your cleavage are going to give guys certain ideas.  My fav are the “hold the cell camera from above, smile, and flash the boobs” pics.  To a guy, this means “she wants to have sex with me now and is showing me her cans to prove it”.  And yes, these guys use the word “cans”.  Second, bikini pics are nice, most of us appreciate them, but again, go easy on them.  Too many bikini pics says, “hey, she wants to get laid on the beach”.  Although I can’t comment directly on the ‘sand in the vajayjay’ issue, I have been told it hurts.  If you want a sore, sandy vajayjay, then by all means post more bikini pics.

Next is verbiage, or for those that don’t know that word, it means, “do not write shit about us having a tool and knowing how to use it”.  Yes, that was in one of the profiles I read.  It started out very nicely, telling about her being a nurse, and loving her family, and God, and blahblahblah, and the last sentence said, “Must have the proper equipment and know how to use it”.  Anyone care to guess what kind of responses she got?  If you write a profile that talks about how great you are, how great your kids are, how much you go to church, love to rescue animals, etc, if you end with something like that, the pervs are going to wet themselves when they read it. And they’re going to respond en masse…think of ‘en masse’ as you would ‘buttload’.  They’re interchangeable.

So, at this point I’ve shared three things…guys want to get laid, tit pics means you’re easy and want to get laid to, and saying the words ‘tool’ and ‘knows how to use it’ in the same sentence means you’re easy and you want to get laid.  In our next installment, I’ll share with you what I look for in a profile.

Internet dating

I learned something this week that I knew, but never really thought much about…apparently guys suck.  A lot of you who’ve read my blog for a while…heh, who am I kidding, there’s probably no one here but me…anyway…what I was going to say was those of you who read this know I’ve been on internet dating sites for a while, some say too long.  The reason I’m on there is because I’m actually shy…no, really, I am.  In a one-on-one situation, I tend to suck, but give me a microphone and I can stand up in front of 300+ people and do quite well.  Sorry, I’m drifting.  What I’m trying to get to is I’ve discovered that the guys on dating sites, especially Match.com, seem to have the following ideas; 1) sending dick pics is cool and expected, 2) if a woman meets you for a drink, she automatically wants to hop on your face, 3) all women on Match are there just to get laid, and 4) well…I don’t really have a 4, but after the first 3, I think you get my point.

My good friend Red sent me a couple of posts from a friend of hers and both had to do with internet dating.  On both occasions the end of the date required her to perform for the guy, either by making out with him or going down on him.  Required might be too strong a word…maybe ‘expected’ is better, but you get the point.  When neither of these happened, it was her fault.  The reason this irritates me is that now the next guy she meets will have to work twice as hard to prove that he’s really a nice guy…provided, of course, that he is and isn’t just looking to play stink finger.

Why does this bother me, you ask?  Well…two reasons…1) I was sort of like those guys in the beginning and 2) I’m now the guy that has to overcome those guys.  I’ll explain.  When I first started this, I was the touchy-feely first date guy.  I didn’t know I was this guy, never had any intention of being this guy, it just happened.  Thinking back on it, I wouldn’t have gone out with me a second time either.  I never did anything inappropriate, but I was way, WAY overboard on the feely part and I’m sure it made people uncomfortable.

I think part of the reason this guy surfaced in me is because of the inherent nature of internet dating.  With email, IM, text messaging, cell phones, we learn a whole lot more in such a short amount of time that we assume we know the person on the other end when, in fact, we don’t really know a lot.  This presumed familiarity, though, is just that.  Think about it…if you’re in a crabby mood, you read texts and IM’s in that same mood.  Good mood?  Read them in a good mood.  And if you happen to be horny…well, all bets are off then.  The point I’m trying to make…and using way too many words to make it…is that even after all this communication, you still don’t know the person you’re talking with and to presume that you do is foolish.  Again, I’m saying this from personal experience and your mileage may vary.

Now having said all that, I’ll say this.  I’m now the guy who has to overcome those other guys…or will be that guy, should a date magically appear.  It’s not that big a deal because I like being this guy a whole lot more.  I’m conscious of the feelings I’ve had in the past and can actively control them.  Geez…reading this makes me sound like I’m a serial killer trying to repress the dog voice that keeps telling me to kill (bonus points if you know the reference).

Funny thing is, Dear Reader, I’m still not sure I want to date someone should the opportunity present itself.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to chop things down with my chainsaw…<insert Dr Evil laugh here>.

Dating Advice&#153

Dating Advice&#153 is where I ask you, Dear Reader, for help as I reintroduce myself into the dating world. If this works as I hope it will, I’ll ask a question every so often and, hopefully, you’ll give me feedback that’ll help me get my dating shit together if you will.

And no, I have no plans to turn this into anything commercial. The simple fact is that I’m scared shitless about dating and am asking for your help.

For the record, the last time I went on a first date was October 1991. That’s 13 years ago, people. Thirteen years. In case you’re wondering what was going on back then, check this out.

First question: How can you tell if someone is flirting with you as opposed to just being friendly?