A real match.com profile

If I could write it like I wanted to…

Single, overweight 44 year old seeks hottie 38 to 48…

I am a 15 year old boy trapped in the body of a 44 year old.  I laugh uncontrollably at farts and fart jokes.  The word ‘boobs’ makes me giggle…seeing boobs makes me giggle.  I like women that are attractive, dress well, like heels, and sex, but not necessarily in that order.  I’m incredibly shy one-on-one, but can make a roomful of people laugh if given a microphone.  Please don’t be overweight.  Yes, I know that I am, but apparently the rules in the universe allow overweight men to want women who are not…don’t blame me, I didn’t make them up, I just follow them. If you don’t like sex, please stop reading and move on to the next profile.  I’ve already been in one sexless marriage, which is probably why I’m still not in it.  Some of the things I’d like to try may freak you out, but if that’s true, you’ve probably not even made it this far in the profile.  If you have, “How YOU doin’?”.

If you like to cook, great, if you don’t, then you better like to clean up afterwards.  Just like Hannibel Lector, I believe in ‘quid pro quo’.  If you don’t know what that means, please stop reading because I will just end up confusing you by throwing things like this at you in a real conversation.  I’m very smart, have the IQ test to prove it, and will admit to being an intellectual snob.  I like a woman who is smart because conversation is hugely important.  If we can’t converse, we can’t talk about issues, problems, irritations, aggravations, and other things.  If we can’t talk about them then we can’t resolve them.   If we can’t resolve them, then we’re doomed from the start.  And just like English class, spelling does count.

My pets are my children.  I talk to them, kiss them goodnight, ask them how their day was, although I’m not insane enough to expect an answer.  They provide me unconditional love, I provide them with food, treats, and pig hides to chew on.  If relationships with people were this simple, divorce would never have been invented.  I plan vacations around the ability for someone to check in on them.  If they were self-sufficient, it wouldn’t be an issue.  You wouldn’t leave your kids on the backporch overnight with just a bowl of food and water so why would you expect me to do the same?  If your internal response is “but they’re just dogs”, you might as well stop now and move on.

Back to looks.  I prefer women that are shorter than me so they can wear heels.  Yes, I like a woman who wears heels.  Show me a guy who doesn’t and chances are he has heels of his own that he wears on special days.  Someone who dresses well, but can run the gamut from jeans to ball gowns. I haven’t been to a ball since college, but never say never.  If you like to shop for men’s clothes, bonus points will be awarded.  I think I have good taste in clothes, but sometimes putting it all together confuses me.  I guess I’d classify myself as “classic contemporary”.  Someone once told me that the official uniform for Southern men is khakis and polo shirts…if that’s true, then I’m a Southern Solider to the core.

I want to meet someone *I* find attractive.  I don’t care if others don’t because they’re not the ones that will hopefully be waking up to this person for the rest of their lives.  In case you’re wondering, I’m not a “man-ho”…shy and man-ho are mutually exclusive.  You’re either one or the other. I don’t date multiple women.  I have enough trouble finding one.

If you’ve read this far I’ve either made you laugh or made you mad.  For the record, this is as honest as I can be.  I’m tired of games, first dates, endless emails, and people who can’t understand that my hatred of country music is visceral.  As for me, I have a good job, am about a year from owing nothing but my mortgage, and understand that saving for retirement is important. If anything I’ve said has offended you, I apologize because that wasn’t my intent.  I’m simply laying it out as best I can so there’s no confusion further on down the line.  If I haven’t offended you and you’re intrigued, “How YOU doin’?”.

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I have a blog?

Someone asked me the other day if I was ever going to write on threeleggeddog again and I had to pause because for a split second, I didn’t know what he was talking about…then it hit, “You have a blog, dumbass”.  Oh. Right.  A blog.  Right, right, that’s what I was thinking.

I guess the reason I quit writing is because it was taking me so long to do one post…I was trying to write instead of just doing it (heheheh, you said “doing it”).  So I thought I’d try and start up, yet again, to let you know what’s going on…if anyone is still around.

The guy who asked about writing said, “Man, I thought you’d have a ton of stuff to write based on the last four months” and my internal response was “that shit just made me mad when I thought about it”.  And it’s true..every time I thought about it and the man we call JackAss, Budz, fuck head, or any number of unflattering things, it just pissed me off and I had enough to be pissed off about without adding to it.

You see, Dear Reader, about 4 months ago we had us a little reorg in my group.  My supervisor, who I truly enjoyed working for, was lateral-moted out of the supervisor role.  I don’t consider it a demotion if you hate being a supervisor so I’ll term it “lateral-moted”.  He became a Lead Technical Analyst…and since I know he reads this, I want to reiterate the same thing I’ve said to him many times…I absolutely do not blame him for ANYTHING that occurred in the previous four months.  He had to do what worked best for him and I totally respect that, and him.   I will, however, continue to bring it up and bash him about it, but in a friendly way.  You know, like accidently kicking your buddy in the balls…repeatedly. 🙂

Anyway…when the reorg occurred, 4 of the 6 remaining team members were moved under…him.  From this point forward, Dear Reader, you will refer to him as JA…JackAss…because that’s what he is.  JA is a narrow-minded, lying, bullying, non-thinking, order-following, fuck head whom I had the distinct displeasure of working for.  He’s one of those guys who pisses you off by simply opening his mouth.  His idea of supervising is…well…I really don’t know what his idea of supervising is because I never saw him do it.  I just saw him reassign everything, try to take credit when someone completed something, and being a general pain in the ass.

From the minute, and I do mean minute, that this was announced, my response was, “I cannot work for him” and I told my manager the same thing during the meeting in which it was announced.  I did nothing to hide my displeasure, irritation, and aggravation of being chosen to work for JA.  I felt like I was being punished.  Seriously.  I felt as though the other two guys were being rewarded by being given to the one really good supervisor in our group, while my friend and I were being punished.  I felt like the fat, slow kid who is picked last for everything.  And I was mad because I knew…KNEW…that I was smarter and better than the guy I was now working for.  And I was pissed. And I stayed pissed for four months.

I tried to like the guy.  I really did, but it wasn’t going to happen.  There are few people in this world I can’t get along with and he just happened to be one of them.  Hearing his voice just made me mad.  First thing I did was to get my phone modified so his extension would light up when he called.  And then I ignored it every time it rang…petty?  You bet your ass…did I giggle every time he called and I ignored it?  You bet your ass.

Second thing I did was ignore him.  He talked, I tuned out.  He asked me a question, I’d answer in one word or less.  Preferably less.  There was, and still is, nothing that guy could say that I believed nor was there anything he could tell me that I didn’t already know.  We’d be in a meeting trying to resolve problems, he’d speak, and I’d squash his idea like a spider…and I fucking HATE spiders.  He knew, I knew it, but there’s wasn’t anything he could do because I was usually right…and since I didn’t direct my responses to him, he couldn’t really prove that I was trying to make him look stupid, but we both knew I was.  Can you tell, Dear Reader, that I don’t deal well with people I don’t like?

It went on like this until about 10 days ago when we were liberated.  And I think I had a hand in it…which tickles me to death. I won’t say that I was the reason for the reassignment because I don’t know that for sure, but based on a conversation I had the other day with my department VP, I’m pretty sure I was the catalyst.  Well, me and the fact that JA is a flaming turd might have had something to do with.  When I was in our VP’s office about  3 weeks ago to fix a problem on his computer, he asked me how things were going and I said, “Pretty good, we’re just busy”.  He said that he knew it and continued typing.  It was at that point that my mouth said, “And I could really use a new supervisor”.  I didn’t plan to say it, it just came out.  His response was, “Well….” and he kept typing.  And that was it.  I wasn’t sorry I said it, I didn’t apologize for saying it, and quite honestly, I was glad I said something.

Well…this past Wednesday found me back in my VP’s office to fix a problem and he again asked how things were going and I said they were going well.  He waited about a minute, turned, looked me right in the eye and said, with a little smile on his face, “Are you getting settled in with your new supervisor?”.  I smiled back, said, “Yes Sir, I greatly appreciate the change and will not forget this”.  His only response was, “I wanted you to know that I heard you…I couldn’t say anything at that point, but I want you and everyone else to know that I do listen.”  And then he left.

Right now, Dear Reader, things are going very well.  We’re working our asses off, but our new supervisor is right there with us. She is taking our advice and our recommendations and getting things done.  I know that there are going to be times when I get mad about a particular course of action, but I will know that if she could’ve changed it, she would have.

And the best part?  I think JA has stopped talking to me.  Yeehaw!

Westward Ho

On the way to Colorado for Christmas. Should be there tonight by 7:00 local time. Looking forward to spending time with my bro, his family, and getting to see some friends.

Hope all of you have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. And expect more posts after the first of the year. The writing bug is coming back.

British Comedy

I’ve been sitting on the couch since Friday evening, hoping my annual cold/sinus crap would go away, but it’s not quite gone…although now the fun starts because I’m horking up all the colored bits.

The only things keeping me from going insane are Netflix Instant and British comedies.  I’ve watched the the first seasons of The Office, Little Britain, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, The IT Crowd, and part of one episode of Red Dwarf.  It’s all been very good and very funny…well…except for Red Dwarf.  Just not my cup of tea, if you will.

The greatest part is that it all plays nicely through the PS3 and I don’t have to mess with it.  It’s just “point, click, comedy”.

Bravo Netflix and PS3…and British comedies…

Updates

I guess you can tell from my lack of posts that I have nothing to say anymore…and the funny thing is, you’re right.  Things I used to write about now seem whiny.  I just deleted a multi-paragraph post about my douche of a boss because it was, well, whiny.  It all comes down to the fact that the guy is a turd, he’ll always be a turd, and no matter what I write, his turdness will still exist.

Had some layoffs occur last week.  First time in 60 years that my company has done that.  Those laid off did get a decent severance package from what I’ve heard, but still…layoffs.  And yours truly has fuck all in the bank for savings.  I had money, but a new roof and a retaining wall kinda sucked it all away.  The frustrating part is that “Senior Management” isn’t saying dick about it.  I don’t expect them to give me chapter and verse, but at least squash the rampant rumors.  And that’s another thing, if you work for a senior exec and you’ve “heard things”…shut the fuck up about it.  Don’t be telling people that you’ll be one of the last to go when they shut this place down because people don’t want to hear that shit.  They automatically think you know the company is closing when in reality you don’t know shit, so SHUT UP.

Let’s see, what else?  Oh…my Mom went to a Bat Mitzvah last week in New York and when I asked her about it, all she talked about was the food.  For the non-Jews out there, a Bat Mitzvah (or Bar Mitzvah for boys) is the Jewish “coming of age” ceremony and is only slightly less important than a wedding.  And if that’s not true, I blame it on the fact that I didn’t learn anything in Hebrew school because I kept getting kicked out…you don’t endear yourself to the Rabbi when you ask, “What do the Jews think about Jesus?”.  Anyway,  when Mom told me about staying at a brand new Hilton, her only comment was they charged $6.95 for the continental breakfast and $12.95 for a regular breakfast. Seriously…I had to specifically ask about the ceremony, although I didn’t really care about it.  I was just sick of talking about the food.  I guess that’s what happens when you’re old and Jewish, you talk about food.   Or your bowels, which thankfully, we didn’t get into.

The dogs are fine, in case you’re wondering, just getting older.  I see Trey’s front leg shake from time to time like it’s tired and that worries me.  He’s as sweetly irritating as ever, but I know one leg can only last so long.  Fancy is still her same shadowy self.  I call her my ‘white shadow’ because she follows me everywhere I go.  On a side note, I don’t think dogs have a concept of ‘up’. When I let them in after work, I’ll stand behind the back door so they can’t see me.  When they come rushing in looking for me they’ll go halfway in, stop, turn around, go out, come back in, stop, turn around, go back out.  I can see the “Where in the crap is he?” look on their faces, which is pretty funny. If they’d just look up, they’d see me through the glass.  Therefore, dogs must not have a concept of ‘up’.

Oh, nice…thunder…in December.  For those of you who’ve never lived in the South, thunder in December usually means tornados.  Yesterday it was in the 40’s, today it’s in the 60’s with a cold front coming in.  Warm air plus cold air equals tornado.

Guess I better sign off and go grab a flashlight.  Sleep tight, Dear Reader.

Babies everywhere

I have two pairs of friends, one set in Scotland and one set in New York City. Each gave birth to a baby boy on the same day around the same time.

Since I’m the link between the two, any way I can take credit for this? 🙂

Dude…It is SPAM.

I sometimes question the intelligence of people in the business world.  Well, not sometimes, but most of the time.  And, to be honest, it’s not their intelligence or business acumen, but it’s their technical knowledge that I call into question.  Or lack of technical knowledge.

In my company, we use a spam filtering system to make sure our users are shielded from most of the crap that comes in via email.  The problem is that occasionally the spam filter catches a good email, and when I say occasionally, I mean one to two pieces of “ham” (good email) to thousands of pieces of spam.  And I mean that literally.  The system is not 100% foolproof and probably never will be, but it’s a damn side better than getting 900 penis emails a day…unless you’re partial to that sort of thing.

So…today we get an email from an individual in one of our offices that basically says they think they’re missing email, but they can’t be sure because they’ve never not gotten an email they missed.  Yeah, go back and read that again…it’ll come to you…I’ll wait.  In essence, they’re complaining about the possibility of not getting email.  They have no proof that they’re not getting email, but they’re sure that something is wrong because they expect to get email blocked and it isn’t being blocked.  They’ve even insinuated that they have no confidence in the system because it’s not blocking this non-existent email.   Because of this, we have to figure out a way to open up the system to allow a handful of users to get all email, whether it’s spam or ham or penises or Nigerians or gIrLS THaT lOvE YoU lONg TiME.

I mean, honestly, how stupid is this?  These are the same people who’ll click on a link in an email and infect the entire company with a virus, then claim we should have blocked the virus better.

It’s people like this that make me wish I cut grass for a living.