Work Tip #4

When 3 months into a new job and in a meeting with a vendor and your entire team, do not say, “I need this training so I can get a new job” when you mean “I need this training so I can get a promotion”.

Work Tip #1

When giving your CEO a new laptop, don’t panic if you can’t remember the word “infrared” when referring to the style of mouse he’s been given. In addition, please remember that “ball-less mouse” is not an acceptable substitute. Ever.

Work Tip #8

When using the surround sound enable conference room, it is imperative that you mute the sounds on your laptop. It is doubly important to perform this action when using said conference room as your command center while working a Severity One Trouble Ticket.

Failure to follow these recommendations will result in the email notification of “WHOOOP! WHOOOP! Fart detected!” being broadcast on the aforementioned surround sound system immediately following your boss saying, “We’ve got to focus and get this resolved as quickly as possible.”

Work Tip #5

When talking to the wife of an ex-CEO and trying to explain why you haven’t been back to bring them a new modem, it is best to not use the phrase, “Up to our elbows in alligators”. The reason is that your mouth will automatically turn the word elbows into assholes. If the brain isn’t paying attention, the mouth will snicker after the word escapes.

Work Tip #53

When apologizing to your boss for letting a project go late, muttering the phrase “Well, looks like I screwed the pooch on this one, huh?” is not the same as saying “I’m sorry and it won’t happen again”.

Work Tip #1

When installing a new laptop for the Assistant Vice President of your department, it is very important to speak in a clear and concise manner. Be sure to enunciate every word and to think through your thoughts before speaking them aloud. If you fail to do this, a simple sentence such as, “Before I leave, I need to plug in your mouse” will come out as follows:

“Before I leave, I need to plug in your mouth…uh…I mean…your mouth…not mouth, but mouth. We. Need. To. Plug. In. Your. Mouse.”