I don’t know if I’ve ever shared this with you, Dear Reader, but I recently started singing in our church choir. I’d sing to the dogs all the time and make up lyrics for them which they seemed to enjoy. Well, I think they enjoyed it. It’s kinda hard to cover your ears with only one front leg. Up until now, though, I’d never sung in public.
Being new, it’s taken me a while to get used to it. I learned to read music while playing the tuba in high school…shut up…they needed a tuba player so my buddies talked me into it. The only cool thing was you could make really loud noises out of it, so I stuck with it. Anyway…I guess I should say that I can “read” music. I know what quarter notes and eighth notes and dotted quarter notes are and I know that notes towards the top of the staff are higher than those on the bottom, but if you told me to sing a “C”, I couldn’t do it. If you told me to point to a “C” on the staff, you’d hear me mumble, “EverygoodboydoesfinefaCe” and then I’d point to “C”, grinning like an idiot…until you said “that’s the bass clef”. Then I’d have to punch you in the nuts for setting me up.
Since I don’t read music well, my sheet music is covered with notes (heh…no pun intended). Arrows pointing down so I know to sing a lower note, circles around the bass clef so I know where my part is, circles around words so I know where to start, circles around rests so I know where to stop, and notes that say “louder” or “softer” or “crescendo” or “stop talking and pay attention”. You get the picture. Yesterday, they threw me a curve…going from 4/4 time to 3/4 time and back.
Ugh…it was awful…I was more confused than the guy doing the DNA tests for Anna Nicole’s baby. It was frustrating because everyone else seemed to get it but me…Then inspiration struck. I knew what I had to do…I’d watch the choir director like I used to watch the band director! OF COURSE!! Watch her arms, count the beats, and sing the words on queue. I tried it as she worked with the other groups…1, 2, 3, sing, wait, 2, 3, sing, sing, wait, 3, sing, 2, 3…Dude, it was AWESOME! In my head, I did it right every time.
Then it was our turn. I stood up with the rest of the basses, took a good singer’s breath, and sang “Who is this?” in my best bass voice and right on queue.
Only problem was I didn’t sing, “Who is this?”…
I sang “Who is three?”