Noxious Fumes

So you know when the label on the bottle of Drano reads “Do not use in conjunction with bathroom cleaners” and you think, “Ha, what idiot would do that?” Hi. Nice to meetcha.

I was cleaning the tub yesterday and noticed that it was draining very slowly so I grabbed the bottle of Drano and poured about half of it in there, just like it says. What I failed to think about was that the remaining bathroom cleaner was probably still in the drain. Uh. Yeah. Not good.

Bathroom cleaner + Drano = really noxious fumes.

Fortunately, my nose is quite used to noxious fumes in the bathroom so I didn’t suffer any ill effects. Next time, I’ll just not clean the tub.

Hey Grandpa! What’s fer supper?

We’re having deer roast, slow cooked in the crock pot, with Golden Mushroom and Cream of Mushroom soups, and one package Lipton Onion/Mushroom soup, and a whole mess of sliced carrots, celery, and potatoes. You’ll get to sop up that gravy with some fresh-baked French Bread.

For dessert, we’re having either fresh seedless red grapes from Chile, macadamia toffee popcorn, or ice cream.

Bring your own drinks, though. This ain’t Piccadilly.

Grumble, grumble, grumble

We’re in the middle of doing inventory. It’s a giant clusterf*. I completed mine on Monday, then come in Tuesday to find three reports in my office. A “Changes Report”, an “Exceptions Report”, and a “Differences Report”. Wonderful. One of these stupid things is blank.

I read over them and they look correct. When I’m done reading, I do what all good support techs do when things look correct; absolutely nothing. I mean, if it looks fine, then I leave it alone. Unfortunately, that’s not what I’m supposed to do. What I’m supposed to do, according to our Inventory Manager is validate the reports. Yep, they must be validated. Even the blank one.

My first question to him is “How do I validate a blank report?”. He starts to give me the “10 minute ohmygodsomebodykillmealaready answer.” Before he gets too far into it, I hold up my hand and say, “Wait. This is simple. Just tell me how I validate it? Do I sign it? Check something? Put my initials on it? What? I just want to know what needs to be done for this to pass the It’s been validated test.” He gets cranked up again. I again stop him and ask the same question; what does he consider as a valid indicator that the report’s been “validated”. Fortunately, he seems to be listening and gives me a rather snide, “I don’t care. You can put a check mark on it if you want.” So I put a check mark on it and hand it back. Apparently, a checkmark is not a valid validation indicator.

So you know what? I’m having them notarized. I’m going to put a check mark next to each friggin’ entry, I’m going to sign the last page of each report with my entire 22 character given name, and then have the damn things notarized. Even the blank one.

Now, when I get canned for being a smartass, which one of you is going to give me a job?

Google searchers

To whom it may concern:

If you came here looking for dogs doing the ugly monkey dance, 1) you’re a sick fuck, and 2) you got the wrong site.


The Management

PS – For the one guy looking for “girls who like to fuc”, you might try a spell checker next time…although I bet poor spelling is not the only thing holding you back.

Work Tip #2

When using Microsoft’s Remote Desktop Connection to access production web servers from your cubicle, one must never choose Shut Down when they meant to choose Disconnect to close the session. Must. Never. Choose.

Where will you be?

I turned 39 last Saturday. My good friend and ‘spiritual advisor’ turns 40 tomorrow. I asked him today, “Is this where you’d thought you’d be when you turned 40?” His response, “I had no idea where I’d be when I turned 40.”

It got me to thinking, which is usually a bad thing. I started to wonder if I should have made plans and laid out my life like so many others do. I’ve always coasted through life, trying to avoid stress or unpleasantness and have succeeded for the most part, but at what costs? If I took more risks, would I be more successful now, more financially secure? Still married, but to someone else? Would I have had kids? It’s a lot to think about.

I was never a planner. In high school, the plan was to get out and move away. Got that one right. In college, the plan was to be a doctor, but then realized you don’t just be a doctor. All the bullshit you had to go through just didn’t seem worth it. Plus, I absolutely sucked at math (Ari?) and you can’t be a doctor without it. So, I got a psych degree instead, which has never been taken out of its box. Well, not officially, that is, since my professors made me sign a Will not practice psychology ever. agreement before they’d allow me to graduate. I’ve kept my word and never practiced. Thankfully, I was smart enough to get a business minor, which paid the bills.

Now that I’m 39, I start to wonder where I’ll be in the next 10 years. The next 20 years. Am I saving enough to retire on comfortably? (Uh, no.) Will I be remarried? Have kids, or step-kids, or grandkids, or step-grandkids? Will I still be fat? Will I make it 20 years? 30 years? 40 years?!?

What about you, Dear Reader? Do you have a plan? Is your life mapped out for the next howevermany years or are you flying by the seat of your pants? As for me, I think I’ll continue to fly. Hell, I was never very good at following maps, anyway. This plane’s a two-seater if anyone wants to ride shotgun. I must warn you, though, once we start this journey, I’m not stoppin’ every hour to pee. You’ll just have to hold it.

Shave my what?

A good friend is turning 40 on Friday. As a tribute, or to mock him, 5 of us are talking about shaving our head to look like him. He has the typical monk look, bald on top, hair around the sides.

We’re about 95% agreed that we’ll do it, then shave the rest of it off.