Finding The One

A friend once commented “I like it when you’re honest”.  I don’t specifically remember the post, but I’ve never forgotten the comment.  I find myself editing this thing too much lately…I want it to sound a certain way, and sometime in doing so, I sorta lose the message or the reason I wanted to write in the first place.  Many years ago my brother told me that “I write like I talk”, which was meant as a compliment.  Those that know me in real life know that I don’t edit many of the things I say…I used to, but found out if you don’t speak up or speak your mind, you get what’s coming to you, good or bad. I’m not going to edit this one, I’m just going to listen the voice in my head and type what he speaks…..well, I’ve started and stopped 3 times because at one point the little voice said, “that’s not what I’m telling you to say. Stop being a pansy and write what I tell you!”  This is the fourth and last attempt.  If it stops mid sentence, you’ll know the little voice said what it came to say.

I don’t want to date.  I don’t want to go to bars or church or the store or wherever it is people go to find someone. I want that person to just appear one day at the right time and the right place.  I’m tired of getting into something only to realize “well shit, here we go again”. I’m tired of going again, of starting from scratch, but doing it all the same yet again.  I quit online dating because it was the same shit every time….wink, email, email, email, phone calls, meet, email, nothing. Then it starts again.  Funny thing is the last time I remember thinking “step 1, done. Now on to step 2”. I got sick of the steps, I got sick of the emails, I got sick of all the bullshit that went on.  Are you or aren’t you the person in the picture?  Are you or aren’t you interested? What do you mean your kids are 13 and 15 and can’t behave in a restaurant? No, I don’t fucking like country music. Tired. Of. All. Of. That.

Several years ago, I thought I’d found the one. The end of looking, the end of being just me, the end of being the third in a party of two.  It was the most intense relationship I’ve ever had, both good and bad. It was in a lot of ways the measuring stick I used going forward when she turned out not to be the one. In a lot of ways it showed me what I’d been missing for so many years, the goosebumps when she touched me, finding myself thinking of her constantly, the sheer unadulterated joy when I was with her, and thinking that I was the luckiest guy in the world.  And since this is the honesty hour, the fact that I don’t ever remember loving someone as much as I loved her.

It’s at those times in your life when you think you’re bullet proof and nothing in the world can hurt you. But the sad fact, Dear Reader, is that’s also the time when you’re most vulnerable to things that can and will hurt you. In the 3 or 4 years since this ended, I’ve never really let anyone know how much it hurt when it did end. Truth is, it hurt worse than my divorce. I was ready for my marriage to be over.  I wasn’t ready for this to be over. Funny thing is, whether I was ready or not, I knew it would. Call it being pessimistic, call it a lack of confidence, call it whatever the fuck you want, but way, way down deep, even though I didn’t ever want it to end, I knew it would. And it did. And it freaking hurt.  But, Dear Reader, life moves on and so has she.

But here’s the kicker friends. Here’s the point in the show where the Master of Ceremonies gets real quiet so you have to strain to hear his voice. It’s where he speaks in hushed, heavy tones to convey to you the seriousness of the situation, the raison d’etre of the whole production, the “reason for existence”.  Here is where all the truths come together, and the truth is…I want that again. I want those feelings again.  I want that electric buzz in the belly feeling of anticipation, of sitting on the couch waiting for her to get home. The “miss her when she’s gone and can’t wait for her to get home feeling” that my Dad has for my Stepmom.  I want to know that those feelings are mutual, that there is someone out there who looks forward to me coming home too.  The heart-stopping realization that this is the person God has chosen for you.

It’s something that I want, Dear Reader, but it’s also something I’ve no idea how to find…

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Ignorant People Piss Me Off

I was scanning through tweets a few minutes ago and came across one that seriously pissed me off.  Actually, Dear Reader, pissed me off is an understatement.  It made me angry.  It made me want to fire off an expletive laden response because of the sheer, unadulterated fuckishness of the tweet.  It made me want to grab this person and scream, “That’s what you have a problem with?!!?? Prayer??”  I know some tweets are designed to get people pissed off, I understand that, but I think this person was serious, and that is what made me angry.

The tweet refers to the Penn State and Nebraska players praying before and after their game today.  The “journalist” said the following:

“Anyone else have a problem with Nebraska and Penn State players openly praying before and after the game…at a public university?”

I say “journalist” in quotes because there are no longer any true journalists.  If you don’t believe me, go here and read the section entitled “The Elements of Journalism”.  Feel free to share with me any people whom you believe to be journalists and that follow these principles.

What makes me angry about the tweet is that of all the things that have been discovered at Penn State in the last week, this is the thing she has a problem with?  This is the thing that makes her go, “Hmm…something isn’t right here. I must take to Twitter and tweet about it”.  This is the thing that makes her tweet one of the dumbest things I’ve had the misfortune to read on Twitter?  How in the hell does this person think that the worst thing that’s happened is a bunch of players kneeling on the ground praying at a public university? She doesn’t think failure to call the cops is bad?  She doesn’t think that the president of PSU covering it up is bad?  Oh wait, I get it now…she doesn’t think.

The thing that confuses me is why she said it.  Did she say it to start a discussion about prayer in school?  Did she say it to bring attention to herself in the hopes that hoards of Twitterers would begin following her?  Did she say it because she’s ignorant?  I’m honestly curious. What was it about two football programs kneeling in prayer that got her upset? Does she not believe in prayer? Does she think the players were coerced into doing it? Does it offend her journalistic integrity that kids who might not pray normally knelt down anyway?  What, I ask you, is so wrong with what the players did?

Kids were raped.  Let me type that slower in case Miss How Dare They Pray decides to read this…Kids.  Were.  Raped.  Does that help you out? Does that put things into perspective for you?  I don’t see anything on your timeline about your feelings on the KIDS BEING RAPED. Oh wait…my bad.  I’m sorry.  It seems she does have something to say about the kids that were raped.  She says, “46 years of football means absolutely nothing.  Little boys were raped.” Right, right, now I get it.  Her indignation extends to rioting by the PSU student body because football means nothing.  So, if I understand correctly, rioting because of a fired coach is bad.  Praying, however, is also bad, but not because it was prayer, but because it was prayer at a public university.  Hmm.

And the ironic part of this, Dear Reader?  The thing that really makes me question this person’s intelligence? She has the audacity to call out a former football coach because of a comment he made concerning Joe Paterno.  Her tweet regarding his comment?  “Way to lose focus on the real victims”.  Yep, you read that right…Way to lose focus on the real victims.  How dare Coach Zook lose focus on the real victims?  How dare Coach Zook say something nice about JoePa and lose focus on the real victims?  C’mon man. How in the hell can she make a statement like that when she’s done the exact same thing?  She lost focus on the victims just like Zook, but apparently that’s ok.  Idiot.

With all of the crap going on at Penn State, the one thing this person finds a problem with is two teams praying together at a public university.  It’s sad, Dear Reader, because the one thing we don’t want to do is lose focus on the real victims.

The Crying Frat Boy

If you happened to watch the LSU/Alabama game until the end, you might have seen what has become known as “The Crying Frat Boy”.  If you didn’t get a chance to see this, I’ve posted the picture below:

As you can see, the young man is clearly distraught because his team is about to lose.  His girlfriend appears to be consoling him…or berating him…or wondering when the baseball game will be over.  I understand where he’s coming from and could even sympathize with him a little, but since my team won I get to gloat and post stuff like this.

A friend posted this pic on Facebook and commented that she’d love to have heard their conversation.  Now I’ll be the first to admit, Dear Reader, that I do not consider myself a writer and never have, but every once in a while I get an idea of what it must feel like to be one.  Why?  Well, about 2 seconds after reading that she wanted to hear their conversation, I knew what the frat boy sounded like, I knew what his girlfriend sounded like, and I pretty much knew the ending…all I had to do at that point was listen for the rest…

Baby, the games’ pretty much over, maybe we should go now to avoid…wait…are you crying? 

<sniff> Doh, I’b dot cryig.

Holy shit…you are, you’re really crying.  Why are you crying, it’s just a stupid game!

SHUD UB!  Id’z nod jus a stoopid game!  This wud our shod ad duh Nadinal Chabioshib gabe!  I hobe our kigger dies!!   FUGGU KIGGER!!  YOU PEAS UV SHID!!

Baby, seriously, calm down.  It’s only one loss.  The kicker missed some field goals that were over 50 yds.  He’s not even come close to that all year and you expect him to do it now?

YED!  Id’s why he geds paid.  He geds paid to gik da ball…ad he gan’t…<sniff>…uuuuuhhhhhhhh…..DIZ SUGGS!

Ohshitohshitohshit, we were just on TV.  Baby, you were just seen by millions of people crying on TV.  This is not going to be….RING….Hello?  Oh.  Hi Daddy.  Yeah, that was him.  What?  I can’t hear…oh.  Yes sir, he was crying.

I’B DOT CRYIG DABBIT!!  QUID SAYIG I’B CRYIG!!

Daddy, what did you just say??!?  You want to know about my pus…Ooooooh!  You want to know why he’s being such a pussy??  Thought he was going to the National Championship, I guess.

We were goig udtil dat azzhole duh kigger fugged id all up.  FUG YOU KIGGERRRRR!!

I’ll be ok Daddy, I promise.  I was going to break up with him anyway because of his, uh….his problem.

BY PROBLEB?  YOU DOLD YOUR DAD ABOUD BY PROBLEB?  ID WUZ DA ALGOHOL!! I HAB DO Buch algohooooollll….<wails hysterically>

Love you to, Daddy.  Bye.

Wise words

Cleaning up my ‘office’ and found a letter my Bub (grandmother) wrote to me the summer of 1984.  I was working as a camp counselor and wasn’t really enjoying it.  This was also the summer before I went away to college.  Sage advice from a very sharp lady that I still think about several times a week.

“Do make the best of everything from now on because that’s how life is.  We don’t always do the things we want to.” 

As an 18 year old at the time, I’m sure I glossed over it and went to do whatever was next on the list for that day.  As a 45 year old, I find myself trying to share the same idea with several 18 year olds I know.  Problem is, they’re just interested in whatever’s next on the list…

It’s been a while

Took me a minute to log in because I forgot the damn password.  That’s how long it’s been since I’ve been on here.  As I told a good friend, posts are still writing themselves in my head, I just never get them on here.  Turns out twitter is quicker, although it doesn’t always express everything I feel.  Plus, I’ve kinda missed writing.

Funny thing happened recently…my confidence came back.  Don’t know where it went or why it left, but it was sure as shit gone.  I think that’s why I had so much trouble the first few months at the new job.  Not only was I afraid to make a mistake, but I also didn’t trust my instincts…and instinct is what made me good at what I did.  A lot if times I didn’t really know what the problem was, but my instincts led me in a certain direction.  A lot of times it was wrong, but for the most part, it was usually dead on.  I think the assclown that I worked for at my old job is a big part of it.  It got to the point where it didn’t matter how or what we did, it was wrong.  And the sad fact is that is wasn’t wrong, he just wasn’t smart enough to see beyond his own paranoia.  All managers in IT, and I mean A L L, know something is going to die, it’s the nature of the environment.  And the good ones know how to handle it…and he wasn’t and still isn’t one of the good ones.

I knew the confidence had come back when shite would hit the fan and I didn’t panic.  At first I thought it was the meds, but then I realized that I now had answers to the problems, where in the past months, all I had was a blank whiteboard in my head.  What I mean is that I have to be able to visualize in my head what you’re talking about.  If I can’t, then I’m lost.  I distinctly remember a meeting at work when this occurred to me…we were talking about alternatives and I remember picturing nothing but white space in my head, because I couldn’t visualize the environment…and if couldn’t visualize it, I couldn’t talk about it.  That moment was an epiphany of sorts.  It made me understand that until I learned the environment, I wasn’t going to be able to do what they were paying me to do.  Long story short, the last time something died, I had a whiteboard full of stuff in my head for reference and I was able to sort it out.

The good news is that I’m not freaked every time something breaks and if it does, I have a handle on how to fix it.  The bad news is that stuff is still breaking. 🙂

A rough start

It’s been a rough two weeks at my new job.  I went from a windows environment that I’ve been familiar with for 11 years to a Linux system that I know nothing about.  Even getting my laptop up and running has been a giant frustration and it’s causing me to think I’ve made a mistake.  Yeah, I know it’s only been two weeks, but I miss the people I worked with, the fact that I knew the environment cold, and the fact that I knew who to talk to if I had questions.

The worst part is I’ve been giving myself anxiety attacks because I keep envisioning all the things that could go wrong or thinking of all the stuff I don’t know.  The only person putting pressure on me is me…and instead of thinking about how I can solve my current problems, I keep coming up with scenarios to go back.  I know it’s the familiarity and comfort I feel there that’s making me want to return, but I can’t help it.  This shit is all I think about these days.  Even went to the doc yesterday for some anxiety medication.

Last night, I had weird dreams about folders that contained no data and I think the night before I dreamed that back ups weren’t working.  I’m in charge of the backup system, which I did at my old job for a while, but this environment is huge.  And it’s apparently assed up pretty badly.  The former admin left and one of the guys who took over for him has been helping me, but even as I type this, the thought of the tasks before me are giving me that feeling in my stomach that means, “STRESS!”.

Honestly, Dear Reader, I’m just fucking lost and don’t know how to get un-lost.  I think I’ve been kidding myself that I could handle this change because I honestly don’t know if I can…and that causes even more anxiety.  Friends have been telling me “relax, it’s only been two weeks”, “you’ll get it, hang in there”, “you’ve just gotten your confidence shaken”, but that doesn’t make me feel any better.  This is one of those situations where I just want to hide under the covers and have it all go away.

The bottom line, Dear Reader, is I don’t know what to do and I’m just freaked out about the whole thing.  The company I now work for does a lot of advertising and whenever I see the ads, I get panicked.  I know I’m letting this shit run my life, but again, I don’t know what else to do.  Hell, I’ve even thought of calling my old Senior VP and asking for my job back.

I’m hoping the anti-anxiety meds take the edge off for a few day so I can concentrate on the job and get it going, but if they don’t, I’m stuck…and I don’t know what to do about it.

Not a great way to leave

Monday morning will mark the first time in 11 years that I’ll not be going to work at my old job.  I resigned late last week and this past Tuesday was my last day…although should have left the day I resigned.

You see, Dear Reader, I’ve been mentally finished with my old job for close to a month.  I knew that the new company was going to hire me, but it was just a matter of working through the details.  When I got the offer last week I should have just packed up my shit and left but I didn’t for the simple reason that I didn’t want to leave my friends.  Over the past 11 years, I’ve made some really, really good friends and although I was done with the job, I wasn’t done with them.  I agreed to work the last two weeks, but that was a mistake and I regret doing it because I think I made some people angry about my lack of effort.  I think that’s the part that bothers me the most…the fact that people who are friends are mad because of how I acted the last few days.

What I should have said was “here’s what I’ll finish up and once that’s done, I’ll go on my merry way”.  What I should have said was, “Listen, I’m mentally through with this place so I think it best that I pack up and just go”.  What I should have said was, “You know, you’re right, I’m not doing what I said I was going to do and I’m sorry.  I just don’t have the desire, drive, or whatever you want to call it to finish this out.  I’m done”.  Unfortunately, Dear Reader, I said nothing like that and it pretty much went to shit…and I don’t know how to fix it…but I’m going to try.

My friends…I do sincerely apologize for the way I ended things.  It was never my intent nor my desire to leave you with the work, but unfortunately, that’s what happened, and I really am sorry.  You know as well as I do how the mere thought of getting out of that asylum was the overriding thing I was focused on, instead of sticking to my end of the bargain, that being getting my shit done.  Hindsight being what it is, I should have simply said, “Thanks, but if it’s all the same to you, I think it best if I just go ahead and leave”.  At least we’d have known up front what would and what wouldn’t have gotten completed.  I’d like you to know that I really am sorry for the way I departed and if I could do it again, I’d do it differently.  The last thing I’d want is for any of you to be angry with me or think that I just fucked off the last days I was there.  I sincerely hope that we can continue to be friends and that my status as “King Douche” can be reduced to that of the “Fool” since we all know I was good at that.  I’ve never been good at the endings so I’ll just stop here.  H.