A rough start

It’s been a rough two weeks at my new job.  I went from a windows environment that I’ve been familiar with for 11 years to a Linux system that I know nothing about.  Even getting my laptop up and running has been a giant frustration and it’s causing me to think I’ve made a mistake.  Yeah, I know it’s only been two weeks, but I miss the people I worked with, the fact that I knew the environment cold, and the fact that I knew who to talk to if I had questions.

The worst part is I’ve been giving myself anxiety attacks because I keep envisioning all the things that could go wrong or thinking of all the stuff I don’t know.  The only person putting pressure on me is me…and instead of thinking about how I can solve my current problems, I keep coming up with scenarios to go back.  I know it’s the familiarity and comfort I feel there that’s making me want to return, but I can’t help it.  This shit is all I think about these days.  Even went to the doc yesterday for some anxiety medication.

Last night, I had weird dreams about folders that contained no data and I think the night before I dreamed that back ups weren’t working.  I’m in charge of the backup system, which I did at my old job for a while, but this environment is huge.  And it’s apparently assed up pretty badly.  The former admin left and one of the guys who took over for him has been helping me, but even as I type this, the thought of the tasks before me are giving me that feeling in my stomach that means, “STRESS!”.

Honestly, Dear Reader, I’m just fucking lost and don’t know how to get un-lost.  I think I’ve been kidding myself that I could handle this change because I honestly don’t know if I can…and that causes even more anxiety.  Friends have been telling me “relax, it’s only been two weeks”, “you’ll get it, hang in there”, “you’ve just gotten your confidence shaken”, but that doesn’t make me feel any better.  This is one of those situations where I just want to hide under the covers and have it all go away.

The bottom line, Dear Reader, is I don’t know what to do and I’m just freaked out about the whole thing.  The company I now work for does a lot of advertising and whenever I see the ads, I get panicked.  I know I’m letting this shit run my life, but again, I don’t know what else to do.  Hell, I’ve even thought of calling my old Senior VP and asking for my job back.

I’m hoping the anti-anxiety meds take the edge off for a few day so I can concentrate on the job and get it going, but if they don’t, I’m stuck…and I don’t know what to do about it.

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Not a great way to leave

Monday morning will mark the first time in 11 years that I’ll not be going to work at my old job.  I resigned late last week and this past Tuesday was my last day…although should have left the day I resigned.

You see, Dear Reader, I’ve been mentally finished with my old job for close to a month.  I knew that the new company was going to hire me, but it was just a matter of working through the details.  When I got the offer last week I should have just packed up my shit and left but I didn’t for the simple reason that I didn’t want to leave my friends.  Over the past 11 years, I’ve made some really, really good friends and although I was done with the job, I wasn’t done with them.  I agreed to work the last two weeks, but that was a mistake and I regret doing it because I think I made some people angry about my lack of effort.  I think that’s the part that bothers me the most…the fact that people who are friends are mad because of how I acted the last few days.

What I should have said was “here’s what I’ll finish up and once that’s done, I’ll go on my merry way”.  What I should have said was, “Listen, I’m mentally through with this place so I think it best that I pack up and just go”.  What I should have said was, “You know, you’re right, I’m not doing what I said I was going to do and I’m sorry.  I just don’t have the desire, drive, or whatever you want to call it to finish this out.  I’m done”.  Unfortunately, Dear Reader, I said nothing like that and it pretty much went to shit…and I don’t know how to fix it…but I’m going to try.

My friends…I do sincerely apologize for the way I ended things.  It was never my intent nor my desire to leave you with the work, but unfortunately, that’s what happened, and I really am sorry.  You know as well as I do how the mere thought of getting out of that asylum was the overriding thing I was focused on, instead of sticking to my end of the bargain, that being getting my shit done.  Hindsight being what it is, I should have simply said, “Thanks, but if it’s all the same to you, I think it best if I just go ahead and leave”.  At least we’d have known up front what would and what wouldn’t have gotten completed.  I’d like you to know that I really am sorry for the way I departed and if I could do it again, I’d do it differently.  The last thing I’d want is for any of you to be angry with me or think that I just fucked off the last days I was there.  I sincerely hope that we can continue to be friends and that my status as “King Douche” can be reduced to that of the “Fool” since we all know I was good at that.  I’ve never been good at the endings so I’ll just stop here.  H.