Not good

A friend/trainer sent me a beginner crossfit workout last week and I finally got around to trying it just a few minutes ago.  The workout was 5 different exercises within a 20 minute workout time.  I made it 5 minutes.  Yep, 5 minutes.  After 25 squats, 15 situps, and 10 pushups, I was done.  Wonder how long I would have lasted if I hadn’t already lost 13 lbs?  Am I pissed off?  You have no idea how pissed off I am.  Problem is, being pissed off is not normally a motivator for me. Well, it is in some cases, but exercise isn’t one of them.

Not sure what I’m gonna do. I really wanna quit and say fuck it, but I can’t. Not quitting anymore just because it doesn’t turn out like I want.  Heh…only taken me 45 years to develop that attitude.  Think I’m going to have to find something besides crossfit for the time being. I need to be able to complete a workout if I want to keep going. I guess I can look at it like 25 squats, 15 situps, and 10 pushups is the most I’ve done in over a year.  At least I got off my ass and did something…but it sure doesn’t feel like anything.

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So long, and thanks for all the fish

Someone asked me the other day how my internet dating was going and my response was simple, “I quit”.  Believe me when I say I’ve been on all the major sites and in my opinion they all suck.  eHarmony tells you how they use their questionnaire, algorithms and 42 levels of compatibility to find the right person for you.  Instead of searching, they send your matches to you.  Match has you fill out a survey, list what you’re looking for, and then write about yourself.  They send you matches, but you can also search on your own. I’ll be honest with you, Dear Reader, I sincerely think both companies are completely and totally full of shit. They don’t match you on personality or your questionnaire, they simply troll your profile and work off any keywords they find. Want me to prove it?  Easy.  If you’re on either service, add the word “God” somewhere in your profile.  Add it as part of a sentence or just randomly add it in the middle of a paragraph.  Don’t make any other changes to it, but just that one.  I guarantee that the next set of matches you get will be all about Church, reading the Bible, worship, etc.  There is nothing wrong with that, except for the simple fact that both sites are full of shit about their matching methods.  Or, if you want to have some fun, add “I like to shave baby kittens and then duct tape their hair back on.  God wants me to do this.”  See what happens.

To be honest, the fact that they just troll your profile was a minor issue for me compared to the fact that people just don’t read what you write.  Or, they think, “oh, he’s not talking about me.  I’ll email him anyway”.  Case in point…first time I ever wrote a profile, I was pretty detailed.  I wrote quite a bit about what I was looking for and was pretty specific. No, I didn’t write things like “you should be a D cup, firm to no sag, and have no gag reflex”.  Sad thing is, I’ve been told other guys do write shit like that.  I wrote about what I liked, didn’t like, music, movies, etc.  I specifically wrote, “I do not like country music.  At all.  Hate to listen to it, talk about it, think about it, and will not even admit it exists”.  My expectations were that I wouldn’t hear from a country music fan.  Wrong. Got an email from “countrymusic1984”.  Guess what she loved to listen to, talk about, read about, talk about…talk about…talk about…?  My point is that I took the time to write specifics into my profile and some don’t have what I consider the common courtesy to a) read it and b) understand it.  If someone wrote, “I don’t like guys who own three legged dogs and drive trucks”, I sure as hell wouldn’t email them.  It’s just setting yourself up for failure.

The reason that bothers me is because I know how hard it is to put yourself out there, to essentially make a cold call and sell yourself as the product you want them to buy. It’s hard…I hate it…and the last thing I want is to ignore someone simply because they couldn’t comprehend what I was looking for.  Same thing happens with pictures.  I write, “If you don’t have a picture, please don’t email me.”  Guess what? I get emails and winks and “interests” from women with no pictures.  If you think I’m being shallow, think about it this way.  You get an email from someone, guy or girl, and their profile is interesting.  They write well, list what they want and don’t want, and simply have a good profile.  You email back and forth a couple of times.  They offer to send you a pic and you agree. And you’re not attracted to them.  Not saying they’re ugly, I’m just saying you’re not attracted to them.  Could be anything at all, but whatever it is, you do not like how they look.  Now what?  Do you respond?  If so, what do you say?  If you don’t respond, they’re going to assume it was because of the picture…which it was. Now flip it around and imagine it was you who sent the picture and never heard back.  Sucks, doesn’t it.

The last reason I quit was simple. I just got tired of it. I got tired of the unanswered emails, the emails I didn’t really want to answer, the emails that never led to a date, the emails that led to boring dates, and the emails that just quit coming for no apparent reason.  I got tired of the bullshit profiles where the girls promise to love you long time. And I got tired of being matched with people where the only thing we had in common was being human.

So, Dear Reader, I find myself in a quandary.  Do I head out to a bar to find someone even though I don’t really like bars?  Do I go to different churches and try and get in their single’s groups?  Somehow that just seems wrong.  Do I ask my friends if they know any beautiful girls with low self-esteem and a low tolerance for alcohol? Or do I succumb to the newest way to meet women…Facebook stalking.  Be sure to check back and see which way I go.

 

If it were me…

Some of you may agree with what I’m about to write.  Some of you may disagree.  Some of you may think I’m an ignorant redneck. Some of you might want to give me a medal. The thing is, in this type of situation, what you think doesn’t really mean shit.

If I am ever put in the same situation as Coach McQueary, my response will be as follows: I will get to my vehicle the quickest way possible, I will grab whatever gun is in it, I will go back to that location the quickest way possible. I will get the child out of the way, I will call the cops. Then I will calmly shoot that child-raping motherfucker in the head. Twice.  And my only regret will be that I did not get there sooner.

Ignorant People Piss Me Off

I was scanning through tweets a few minutes ago and came across one that seriously pissed me off.  Actually, Dear Reader, pissed me off is an understatement.  It made me angry.  It made me want to fire off an expletive laden response because of the sheer, unadulterated fuckishness of the tweet.  It made me want to grab this person and scream, “That’s what you have a problem with?!!?? Prayer??”  I know some tweets are designed to get people pissed off, I understand that, but I think this person was serious, and that is what made me angry.

The tweet refers to the Penn State and Nebraska players praying before and after their game today.  The “journalist” said the following:

“Anyone else have a problem with Nebraska and Penn State players openly praying before and after the game…at a public university?”

I say “journalist” in quotes because there are no longer any true journalists.  If you don’t believe me, go here and read the section entitled “The Elements of Journalism”.  Feel free to share with me any people whom you believe to be journalists and that follow these principles.

What makes me angry about the tweet is that of all the things that have been discovered at Penn State in the last week, this is the thing she has a problem with?  This is the thing that makes her go, “Hmm…something isn’t right here. I must take to Twitter and tweet about it”.  This is the thing that makes her tweet one of the dumbest things I’ve had the misfortune to read on Twitter?  How in the hell does this person think that the worst thing that’s happened is a bunch of players kneeling on the ground praying at a public university? She doesn’t think failure to call the cops is bad?  She doesn’t think that the president of PSU covering it up is bad?  Oh wait, I get it now…she doesn’t think.

The thing that confuses me is why she said it.  Did she say it to start a discussion about prayer in school?  Did she say it to bring attention to herself in the hopes that hoards of Twitterers would begin following her?  Did she say it because she’s ignorant?  I’m honestly curious. What was it about two football programs kneeling in prayer that got her upset? Does she not believe in prayer? Does she think the players were coerced into doing it? Does it offend her journalistic integrity that kids who might not pray normally knelt down anyway?  What, I ask you, is so wrong with what the players did?

Kids were raped.  Let me type that slower in case Miss How Dare They Pray decides to read this…Kids.  Were.  Raped.  Does that help you out? Does that put things into perspective for you?  I don’t see anything on your timeline about your feelings on the KIDS BEING RAPED. Oh wait…my bad.  I’m sorry.  It seems she does have something to say about the kids that were raped.  She says, “46 years of football means absolutely nothing.  Little boys were raped.” Right, right, now I get it.  Her indignation extends to rioting by the PSU student body because football means nothing.  So, if I understand correctly, rioting because of a fired coach is bad.  Praying, however, is also bad, but not because it was prayer, but because it was prayer at a public university.  Hmm.

And the ironic part of this, Dear Reader?  The thing that really makes me question this person’s intelligence? She has the audacity to call out a former football coach because of a comment he made concerning Joe Paterno.  Her tweet regarding his comment?  “Way to lose focus on the real victims”.  Yep, you read that right…Way to lose focus on the real victims.  How dare Coach Zook lose focus on the real victims?  How dare Coach Zook say something nice about JoePa and lose focus on the real victims?  C’mon man. How in the hell can she make a statement like that when she’s done the exact same thing?  She lost focus on the victims just like Zook, but apparently that’s ok.  Idiot.

With all of the crap going on at Penn State, the one thing this person finds a problem with is two teams praying together at a public university.  It’s sad, Dear Reader, because the one thing we don’t want to do is lose focus on the real victims.

The Crying Frat Boy

If you happened to watch the LSU/Alabama game until the end, you might have seen what has become known as “The Crying Frat Boy”.  If you didn’t get a chance to see this, I’ve posted the picture below:

As you can see, the young man is clearly distraught because his team is about to lose.  His girlfriend appears to be consoling him…or berating him…or wondering when the baseball game will be over.  I understand where he’s coming from and could even sympathize with him a little, but since my team won I get to gloat and post stuff like this.

A friend posted this pic on Facebook and commented that she’d love to have heard their conversation.  Now I’ll be the first to admit, Dear Reader, that I do not consider myself a writer and never have, but every once in a while I get an idea of what it must feel like to be one.  Why?  Well, about 2 seconds after reading that she wanted to hear their conversation, I knew what the frat boy sounded like, I knew what his girlfriend sounded like, and I pretty much knew the ending…all I had to do at that point was listen for the rest…

Baby, the games’ pretty much over, maybe we should go now to avoid…wait…are you crying? 

<sniff> Doh, I’b dot cryig.

Holy shit…you are, you’re really crying.  Why are you crying, it’s just a stupid game!

SHUD UB!  Id’z nod jus a stoopid game!  This wud our shod ad duh Nadinal Chabioshib gabe!  I hobe our kigger dies!!   FUGGU KIGGER!!  YOU PEAS UV SHID!!

Baby, seriously, calm down.  It’s only one loss.  The kicker missed some field goals that were over 50 yds.  He’s not even come close to that all year and you expect him to do it now?

YED!  Id’s why he geds paid.  He geds paid to gik da ball…ad he gan’t…<sniff>…uuuuuhhhhhhhh…..DIZ SUGGS!

Ohshitohshitohshit, we were just on TV.  Baby, you were just seen by millions of people crying on TV.  This is not going to be….RING….Hello?  Oh.  Hi Daddy.  Yeah, that was him.  What?  I can’t hear…oh.  Yes sir, he was crying.

I’B DOT CRYIG DABBIT!!  QUID SAYIG I’B CRYIG!!

Daddy, what did you just say??!?  You want to know about my pus…Ooooooh!  You want to know why he’s being such a pussy??  Thought he was going to the National Championship, I guess.

We were goig udtil dat azzhole duh kigger fugged id all up.  FUG YOU KIGGERRRRR!!

I’ll be ok Daddy, I promise.  I was going to break up with him anyway because of his, uh….his problem.

BY PROBLEB?  YOU DOLD YOUR DAD ABOUD BY PROBLEB?  ID WUZ DA ALGOHOL!! I HAB DO Buch algohooooollll….<wails hysterically>

Love you to, Daddy.  Bye.

My goal is @WarriorDash

A wise person once told me that the best way to accomplish something is to have a goal.  If you’re not goal oriented, this advice sucks. I think my response was, “my goal is to have a goal”.  Wasn’t really what they had in mind.  I’m just not goal oriented and never have been.  My brother is goal oriented.  He once told me he had several goals, married by 30, kids by 35…blahblahblah. There were others but I quit listening.  If you’re not goal oriented, hearing others talk about their goals is boring.

For me, goal setting is hard.  I get too caught up in the minutia of it.  Small or large goal?  One goal or multiple goals?  Are the goals measurable?  What happens when I hit that goal?  See what I mean?  Some examples; Taking guitar lessons, the teacher asked me what songs I wanted to play…f**k if I knew.  I just wanted to play guitar.  When working out, my trainer asked what goal I had in mind…getting buff and getting laid came to mind, but that’s probably not what she meant.  My financial guy asked me what my retirement goal was.  He just stared when I said, “to not die while living in a cardboard box”.  Sounded like a decent goal to me.

As I’ve tried to lose weight through the years, people have always told me to set a goal.  When I say “like what?”, a lot of them say, “you can run a 5K, or a half marathon, or even a full marathon!” and my response to them is simple…”why?”.  I’m not a runner and never have been.  Never saw the point to it.  People say running is awesome, but I’ve never seen a runner smile while running.  Never.  A grimace, yes; a smile, no.  For three years, I was an escort rider for the MS Blues Marathon and each time I guided the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place males.  None of them smiled.  Ever.  I’ve seen them run right next to traffic, I’ve seen them run in frigid temperatures, and I’ve even seen one guy throw up and run at the same time, but I’ve never seen one smile while running.  One time I took pictures of some friends running in their first 5K.  Not a smile in the entire group.  You can see why I thought running was like the dumbest idea ever…until yesterday, that is.  Yesterday, I saw people laughing, smiling, wearing bunny ears, and fuzzy viking helmets while they were running.  Yesterday, I saw my goal.  Yesterday, I saw Warrior Dash.

You see, Dear Reader, for the last two months I’ve been going to what I affectionately call “The Fat Doctor”.  The reason for going is simple, I’ve gotten too fat.  When I stepped on the scale at the doctor’s office I had topped out at 242, which is the heaviest I’ve ever been.  If you’re familiar with the Gabriel Iglesias weight scale, I’m somewhere between husky and fluffy.

After two months, I’m down 13 lbs and the Doc just cut the dosage for my blood pressure meds in half.  The weight loss is through a combination of medication (Phentermine) and changes to both what I eat and how much. I want to be at 190 or 195 in 6 months…(dude, I made a goal!) The problem is I still wasn’t motivated to exercise until I saw Warrior Dash.  Sure you’re running a 5k, but it’s not just running to get from point A to point B.  You’re running from the mud pit strung with barbed wire, then uphill to the rope climb, and then to the tire patch or the river crossing or whatever they put in front of you.  And then, just when you’re about to reach the finish, you get to jump over a fire.  Did you hear what I wrote?  You get to jump over fire!  On purpose!  With people yelling at you to JUMP OVER THE FIRE!  Whenever I think about it, my inner Beavis screams “Fiyuuure!” and we both giggle with excitement.  And not only am I doing it, but about 8 or 10 guys from work are doing it too, including my Manager and our Senior VP.  I didn’t think it was possible but I’m actually psyched to run.

I’m going to record the next 5 months worth of training on here so you can keep track of how it’s going…you know, if you’re interested.

Oh…one more thing.  If the Warrior Dash folks happen to stumble upon this post (and I hope they do), I’ll make y’all a deal.  If you promise to keep me motivated until the Mississippi event, I promise not to throw up all over your mud.  Deal?